I saw this on an other forum and I thought it may be fun to do here. The idea is that people can come asking for advise on a subject and other people offer the worst advise possible - the worse, the better! Especially if the advise is funny as well. Skating-related, of course.
I'll start.
I seem to have gotten the seasonal bug, all stuffed up, feverish, coughing uncontrollably. Anything I can do to be in shape for the skating season FAST, it starts this weekend? ;D
Bring on the bad advise!
Head straight to the rink wearing a sleeveless top and shorts. Skate around 5 times as fast as possible and then jump until you can't anymore. When you get home, have a big glass of iced water and get in a cold shower. To be sure you get well fast, put an ice pack on your forehead.
(psst - "advise" is a verb, "advice" is the noun" Hope you don't mind, I know English is your umpteenth language.)
Quote from: Sk8Dreams on September 15, 2010, 03:15:23 PM
Head straight to the rink wearing a sleeveless top and shorts. Skate around 5 times as fast as possible and then jump until you can't anymore. When you get home, have a big glass of iced water and get in a cold shower. To be sure you get well fast, put an ice pack on your forehead.
Don't forget to wash your hair and go to bed with your hair still wet.
Quote from: AgnesNitt on September 15, 2010, 07:33:23 PM
Don't forget to wash your hair and go to bed with your hair still wet.
Even better still wash your hair and skate with your hair still wet.
I read somewhere something about hair of a dog that bit you and all.. Anyone know how to get a dog to bite? ;D
Quote from: fsk8r on September 16, 2010, 03:07:42 AM
Even better still wash your hair and skate with your hair still wet.
That's why I keep a flatiron in my bathroom :)
Worst Advice: Just be YOURSELF in an interview! Don't make an effort - let them see the REAL YOU! Dressing up makes you seem like a PHONY!
It's also a good idea to try to get to know the company you'll be interviewing before the interview, especially see if you can find out anything about the people who will actually be conducting the interview. Camping out for two weeks in front of their house in a car parked in the street, taking pictures with a telelens camera of everything they do and following them around 24/7 is a good way to start getting to know them really well.
Okay, SAS and Sk8mum. Any more tips on how to get Publix to hire me? I've already set up a tent outside the manager's house.
Well first off, I would think you'd want to bring their attention to the fact that they spelled "Publix" incorrectly. Really lean on this and tell them you already care so much about the company that you know they would like to be told they look really stupid and probably have for years. :)
No doubt you'll want to tell the interviewer ALL about yourself. They'll be impressed that you stopped wetting the bed at sleepovers before any of your friends did, your lifelong passion for watching competitive eating and your ambition to someday enter the sport, that you only wear the most costly underwear, etc. etc. And just to show that you're not all self-centered and that you care, feel free to also ask the interviewer very personal questions so that you can get a head-start on getting to know your future coworker!
You'll also want to bring out your best working skills. Who else can still perform their job so well when visibly hungover, for example? They'll be comforted to know that even if you're asleep at your desk, you can manage to STILL LOOK LIKE YOU'RE AWAKE, and that you really only spend an average of two or three hours per day asleep, as you had the self-restraint to bring yourself down from four or five. They'll also want to be aware that you don't take crap from ANYBODY, not even your bosses, and will feel free to tell them so! Also that you're not one of those people who panders to management and coworkers--oh no, when you disagree, you'll stand up and say so, no matter how offended people get, because you're just one of those people who marches to their own drummer even if other people get wussy and say that's inappropriate.
Of course, before you can get an interview, you'll need to have an impressive resume and cover letter so they know they want to call you. Now, you may feel at this point that you should play it pretty straight so you don't seem to stick out too much. No way! You want to stand out, and want it clear from the get-go that you're nothing like these other boring chumps with their recycled keywords and yawn-inducing fonts. First, you need to find some really colorful paper for your resume--check out the stationery section or scrapbooking section of the store, and find something that really tells who YOU are. Then choose your favorite font! if it's hard to read, well, they'll quickly discover you're worth it, and every HR person loves a challenge and will be grateful to you for presenting one, unlike those other people who insult the HR person's intelligence by dumbing down their stuff! Don't stick to boring stuff about the last two jobs you've held. You see, you want to present yourself as a well-rounded person, and of course, you'll want to prove you've been that way all your life. So add all of your activities! My Little Pony Club in second grade? Throw it on there! It'll show you're All-American! Community service is important too. Did you spend two hours volunteering at the soup kitchen once, or have to do some court-ordered community service? You want to make sure to add that in.
Walk in there and swear that if they hire you, you will NEVER EVER buy anything Publix sells from an other store again. This is because you always shoplift everything from any place you work.
Quote from: Sierra on September 16, 2010, 07:43:04 PM
Okay, SAS and Sk8mum. Any more tips on how to get Publix to hire me? I've already set up a tent outside the manager's house.
* Create a true resume with valid, legitimate experience that is relevant to the position. Don't pad it with hyperbole.
* Have a guidance or career counsellor, or a business studies teacher review your resume and cover letter, and coach you on interview techniques. If it is a written application, use neat, tidy handwriting, blue ink, and don't use flourishes or decorative accents on your letters.
* Dress professionally.
* If they turn you down, smile, thank them for their time, and ask them to keep you in mind for future openings. Continuing to call every week or so or "drop by" makes you an
irritant and shows you are not professional.
* Ask for specific feedback on why you didn't get the job, and, also, what skills they are looking for.
* Remember that most jobs are obtained by referrals. Do you know anyone that works there? With 100's of applications for positions, they cull by certain criteria, including:
a) any spelling errors on the resume or cover letter; b) age c) experience, d) who the references are. It is more likely that they will hire relatives or friends of trusted employees.
I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:
Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?
Quote from: jjane45 on September 19, 2010, 07:00:11 PM
I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:
Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?
*snort* :D
Quote from: jjane45 on September 19, 2010, 07:00:11 PM
I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:
Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?
Considering Johnny Weir ;) started as a teen - and now he's an Elite skater. - So of course!
you can start Skating, and at any age.
how Funny, telling people truthfully. Teens, & the Old are usually stunned:
You ICEskate?? - as I say: "with Pleasure,
and how about you ;D "
Quote from: jjane45 on September 19, 2010, 07:00:11 PM
I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:
Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?
Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway. ;D
Quote from: SillyAdultSkater on September 21, 2010, 03:19:41 AM
Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics
you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway. ;D
ooops, - I forgot this was the really BAAD-advice thread.
Quote from: jjane45 on September 19, 2010, 07:00:11 PM
I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers: Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?
And it's a 12/13-year old asking, to boot. That cracks me up every time. They have ages ahead of them and they're asking if they're too old. At least two people feel the need to crush their dreams by replying "you can't go to the olympics" when the asker didn't even mention competitions! It's like they live for the cruelty. Their next question is always "what should I wear to skating?" roflol!
Quote from: SillyAdultSkater on September 21, 2010, 03:19:41 AM
Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway. ;D
Cute thread, SAS.
Right you are! After all, Johnny Weir started at 12! Buy your skates at Modell's - the cheaper the better and yes, they come pre-sharpened.
Shoot, "the really bad advice to that would be" I meant. This is one habit that's gonna be hard to kick, worse than taking/making pictures. :-X
Any advice on how to kick that habit? ;D
Quote from: SillyAdultSkater on September 21, 2010, 03:19:41 AM
Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway. ;D
Don't worry bout the spins and footwork either, it's really only judged on jumps, so long as you have a bunch of cheated triple axels in your program you'll do great!
I am a female adult skater looking for a pairs partner, what should I do to increase my chances?
Have a female friend of yours undergo sex change surgery and hormone therapy and skate with her (now him) after a legal sex change? ;D
Quote from: SillyAdultSkater on September 26, 2010, 05:07:54 PM
Have a female friend of yours undergo sex change surgery and hormone therapy and skate with her (now him) after a legal sex change? ;D
Alternatively you can undergo the surgery instead and then you've got the choice of all the partners.
Quote from: Sk8tmum on September 19, 2010, 01:35:57 PM
* Create a true resume with valid, legitimate experience that is relevant to the position. Don't pad it with hyperbole.
* Have a guidance or career counsellor, or a business studies teacher review your resume and cover letter, and coach you on interview techniques. If it is a written application, use neat, tidy handwriting, blue ink, and don't use flourishes or decorative accents on your letters.
* Dress professionally.
* If they turn you down, smile, thank them for their time, and ask them to keep you in mind for future openings. Continuing to call every week or so or "drop by" makes you an
irritant and shows you are not professional.
* Ask for specific feedback on why you didn't get the job, and, also, what skills they are looking for.
* Remember that most jobs are obtained by referrals. Do you know anyone that works there? With 100's of applications for positions, they cull by certain criteria, including:
a) any spelling errors on the resume or cover letter; b) age c) experience, d) who the references are. It is more likely that they will hire relatives or friends of trusted employees.
Wear your ice skates to the interview (since based on Sk8tmum's advice you've already got there), - ask is this not the interview for the next Dancing on Ice show? Then put them up on the furniture like (you might) at home, you're a shoo in, you'll get the job no problem :D
Issue loud, barking orders at their staff when you walk in the door - your practising for when they hire you.
Quote from: Isk8NYC on September 21, 2010, 08:19:40 AMBuy your skates at Modell's - the cheaper the better and yes, they come pre-sharpened.
Always listen the the hockey skaters at the pro shop, they know everything & are wise beyond their years when it comes to figure skating :laugh3
Quote from: fsk8r on September 27, 2010, 10:08:15 AM
Alternatively you can undergo the surgery instead and then you've got the choice of all the partners.
A reply worthy of this thread. *worship*
QuoteCan i start ice skating? or am i too old?
Ugh! They ask it about pretty much EVERY activity! Now granted, I know we all understand that most of the great skaters/dancers/athletes/whatever started at, like, age 4, and yes, starting at 15 probably won't get you to the Olympics. But I can't help it...I don't tend to answer those questions nicely. One answer, for example, was something like, "I love how all you 14-year-olds come on here and act like you've already got one foot in the grave." The older I get, the harder and harder I find it to be nice when answering stupid questions...
Quote from: Kat on October 03, 2010, 08:21:17 PM
Ugh! They ask it about pretty much EVERY activity! Now granted, I know we all understand that most of the great skaters/dancers/athletes/whatever started at, like, age 4, and yes, starting at 15 probably won't get you to the Olympics. But I can't help it...I don't tend to answer those questions nicely. One answer, for example, was something like, "I love how all you 14-year-olds come on here and act like you've already got one foot in the grave." The older I get, the harder and harder I find it to be nice when answering stupid questions...
QuoteI am a female adult skater looking for a pairs partner, what should I do to increase my chances?
Take your clothes off. I guarantee you'll attract male attention. :) (And once you get that frostbite treated, you'll be all set to skate!)
QuoteAlternatively you can undergo the surgery instead and then you've got the choice of all the partners.
I was just going to suggest dressing a female friend in drag and then insisting she's really male (if you choose someone who can't achieve a sufficiently male look through hairstyle, dress, and carriage, you can come up with elaborate stories about her sensitivity about her hormone problems if you like). It may increase your chances if you bring up the hoopla about that runner that got thrown through all the testing and such to prove she was female and how they really don't want to go through that with all the negative publicity, do they...
So how do I tell the client that I can't go visit him in a far flung corner of the planet cos I've got a skating test (which is more important obviously)?
Sorry, client; your work is just not a priority to me!! I'll visit you when I have time. In 2013. The client will LOVE you for this response!
Or, invite the client to witness the historical moment at your rink! Tell client work can always wait but Olympics cannot.
invite them out on the ice with you :) you are about learning their business, they can come learn about yours!
Offer pictures of you in nothing *but* your skates if they wait. :angel:
How should I avoid looking down at the ice while skating?
wear a neck brace, then you physically can't move your head down.
Close your eyes as you skate.
Learn to feel the ice and the forces within it and about you.
Learn to sense the presence of others without needing to see.
May the force be with you.
Find somebody just the right height, where their head fits under your chin, and skate around the ice cuddled up behind them with your chin resting on top of their head.. Keeps you warm, you make a new friend, and you don't look down.
I could always count on this thread for a great laugh!
Advices please: how can I cure my Adult-Onset Skating Syndrome (AOSS)?
Quote from: jjane45 on October 30, 2010, 12:12:27 AMhow can I cure my Adult-Onset Skating Syndrome (AOSS)?
Remove your feet.
Or take up another sport. Something nice and safe. Like base jumping or cave diving.
Quote from: jjane45 on October 30, 2010, 12:12:27 AM
I could always count on this thread for a great laugh!
Advices please: how can I cure my Adult-Onset Skating Syndrome (AOSS)?
Take up mythology, find the fountain of youth & drink - you'll regress in age thefore you'll no longer be an adult & you couldn't possibly have AOSS :D
LOL @ fountain of youth! For those of us who are not offended by (drawn) girls in bikinis, google "fountain of girl" (it'll be the first hit, at oglaf - not advised to view at work) - it's about what happens when you find the WRONG fountain of youth!
As for the adult onset skating syndrome, I think what you want to do is get it recognized as an official mental health disorder, then call in sick to work saying you've got AOSS and can't come to work. Then, go skate!
I built a small, 20x30 ice rink in the back yard, how should I resurface it?
With a flattening iron. Hook it up to a power cable extender and iron the entire rink's surface. If it takes too long, train a monkey to do it.
Quote from: AgnesNitt on September 15, 2010, 07:33:23 PM
Don't forget to wash your hair and go to bed with your hair still wet.
Hate to admit, I do that at times actually... But if I'm too tired, I don't really care if my head is still wet!!! LOL!!! :P
At Christmas time, to help appear that you have a festive spirit, tie a small sparkly ornament to each piece of hair that is sticking up in random ways on your head after you sleep on it wet. Then, apply green coloured hair gel and a strong coat of glittery hair spray. Wear a green sweatshirt, add jingly earrings - and, hey, you're a human Christmas Tree. You'll be loved by all of your co-workers as you trail through the office spreading Christmas joy (and the stench of glittery hair spray, plus a shower of bits of glitter as you pass). If you can tie some presents around your waist, it will add to the effect, and hide the added inches that have resulted from over-indulging in Christmas treats. Same effect effect could be had, though, now I think of it, by fastening a festive tree skirt to cover the same area ...
Can i start training for the olympics? im 13 and i started figure skating last year. ive been doing skate school for one year. the only jump i know is walts jump perfectly, but i want to start training for the olympics someday.. (real question)
Quote from: jjane45 on January 14, 2011, 12:44:50 AM
Can i start training for the olympics? im 13 and i started figure skating last year. ive been doing skate school for one year. the only jump i know is walts jump perfectly, but i want to start training for the olympics someday.. (real question)
Yes, absolutely, in fact I'd say you ready for the olympics, just get a really sparkly skating dress and it will make you look like your spinning fast and jumping high.
Yeah start with robbing a bank. You'll need the money for all the lessons. ::>)
Don't forget tax evasion on all that $ either, that way it lasts longer - after all think about how much you'll spend on skates, medical bills (even if it's just massage for all those spills)
Quote from: kiwiskater on February 08, 2011, 02:22:55 PM
Don't forget tax evasion on all that $ either, that way it lasts longer - after all think about how much you'll spend on skates, medical bills (even if it's just massage for all those spills)
Quote from: SillyAdultSkater on February 08, 2011, 02:18:33 PM
Yeah start with robbing a bank. You'll need the money for all the lessons. ::>)
You can also just sneak onto the ice without paying and steal other people's skates, or better yet, steal them new from the proshop. And demand to live with a colleague so you don't have to deal with those pesky electricity and mortgage bills. You should also demand that your coach lower his lesson price just for you, because, after all, you're fattening his reputation with a potential Olympian.