The really bad advise thread!

[SillyAdultSkater]

I saw this on an other forum and I thought it may be fun to do here. The idea is that people can come asking for advise on a subject and other people offer the worst advise possible - the worse, the better! Especially if the advise is funny as well. Skating-related, of course.

I'll start.

I seem to have gotten the seasonal bug, all stuffed up, feverish, coughing uncontrollably. Anything I can do to be in shape for the skating season FAST, it starts this weekend?  

Bring on the bad advise!

[Sk8Dreams]

Head straight to the rink wearing a sleeveless top and shorts.  Skate around 5 times as fast as possible and then jump until you can't anymore.  When you get home, have a big glass of iced water and get in a cold shower.  To be sure you get well fast, put an ice pack on your forehead.

(psst - "advise" is a verb, "advice" is the noun"   Hope you don't mind, I know English is your umpteenth language.)

[AgnesNitt]

Head straight to the rink wearing a sleeveless top and shorts.  Skate around 5 times as fast as possible and then jump until you can't anymore.  When you get home, have a big glass of iced water and get in a cold shower.  To be sure you get well fast, put an ice pack on your forehead.

Don't forget to wash your hair and go to bed with your hair still wet.

[fsk8r]

Don't forget to wash your hair and go to bed with your hair still wet.

Even better still wash your hair and skate with your hair still wet.

[SillyAdultSkater]

I read somewhere something about hair of a dog that bit you and all.. Anyone know how to get a dog to bite? 

[Sk8tmum]

Even better still wash your hair and skate with your hair still wet.

That's why I keep a flatiron in my bathroom

Worst Advice: Just be YOURSELF in an interview! Don't make an effort - let them see the REAL YOU! Dressing up makes you seem like a PHONY!

[SillyAdultSkater]

It's also a good idea to try to get to know the company you'll be interviewing before the interview, especially see if you can find out anything about the people who will actually be conducting the interview. Camping out for two weeks in front of their house in a car parked in the street, taking pictures with a telelens camera of everything they do and following them around 24/7 is a good way to start getting to know them really well.

[Sierra]

Okay, SAS and Sk8mum. Any more tips on how to get Publix to hire me? I've already set up a tent outside the manager's house.

[Kat]

Well first off, I would think you'd want to bring their attention to the fact that they spelled "Publix" incorrectly.  Really lean on this and tell them you already care so much about the company that you know they would like to be told they look really stupid and probably have for years. 

No doubt you'll want to tell the interviewer ALL about yourself.  They'll be impressed that you stopped wetting the bed at sleepovers before any of your friends did, your lifelong passion for watching competitive eating and your ambition to someday enter the sport, that you only wear the most costly underwear, etc. etc. And just to show that you're not all self-centered and that you care, feel free to also ask the interviewer very personal questions so that you can get a head-start on getting to know your future coworker!

You'll also want to bring out your best working skills.  Who else can still perform their job so well when visibly hungover, for example?  They'll be comforted to know that even if you're asleep at your desk, you can manage to STILL LOOK LIKE YOU'RE AWAKE, and that you really only spend an average of two or three hours per day asleep, as you had the self-restraint to bring yourself down from four or five.  They'll also want to be aware that you don't take crap from ANYBODY, not even your bosses, and will feel free to tell them so!  Also that you're not one of those people who panders to management and coworkers--oh no, when you disagree, you'll stand up and say so, no matter how offended people get, because you're just one of those people who marches to their own drummer even if other people get wussy and say that's inappropriate.

Of course, before you can get an interview, you'll need to have an impressive resume and cover letter so they know they want to call you.  Now, you may feel at this point that you should play it pretty straight so you don't seem to stick out too much.  No way!  You want to stand out, and want it clear from the get-go that you're nothing like these other boring chumps with their recycled keywords and yawn-inducing fonts.  First, you need to find some really colorful paper for your resume--check out the stationery section or scrapbooking section of the store, and find something that really tells who YOU are.  Then choose your favorite font!  if it's hard to read, well, they'll quickly discover you're worth it, and every HR person loves a challenge and will be grateful to you for presenting one, unlike those other people who insult the HR person's intelligence by dumbing down their stuff!  Don't stick to boring stuff about the last two jobs you've held.  You see, you want to present yourself as a well-rounded person, and of course, you'll want to prove you've been that way all your life.  So add all of your activities!  My Little Pony Club in second grade?  Throw it on there!  It'll show you're All-American!  Community service is important too.  Did you spend two hours volunteering at the soup kitchen once, or have to do some court-ordered community service?  You want to make sure to add that in.

[SillyAdultSkater]

Walk in there and swear that if they hire you, you will NEVER EVER buy anything Publix sells from an other store again. This is because you always shoplift everything from any place you work.

[Sk8tmum]

Okay, SAS and Sk8mum. Any more tips on how to get Publix to hire me? I've already set up a tent outside the manager's house.

* Create a true resume with valid, legitimate experience that is relevant to the position. Don't pad it with hyperbole.
* Have a guidance or career counsellor, or a business studies teacher review your resume and cover letter, and coach you on interview techniques. If it is a written application, use neat, tidy handwriting, blue ink, and don't use flourishes or decorative accents on your letters.
* Dress professionally.
* If they turn you down, smile, thank them for their time, and ask them to keep you in mind for future openings. Continuing to call every week or so or "drop by" makes you an
   irritant and shows you are not professional.
* Ask for specific feedback on why you didn't get the job, and, also, what skills they are looking for.
* Remember that most jobs are obtained by referrals. Do you know anyone that works there? With 100's of applications for positions, they cull by certain criteria, including: 
    a) any spelling errors on the resume or cover letter; b) age c) experience, d) who the references are. It is more likely that they will hire relatives or friends of trusted employees.

[jjane45]

I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:

Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?

[AgnesNitt]

I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:

Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?

*snort* 

[sk8Joyful]

I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:

Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?

Considering Johnny Weir  started as a teen - and now he's an Elite skater. - So of course! you can start Skating, and at any age.
how Funny, telling people truthfully. Teens, & the Old are usually stunned: You ICEskate?? - as I say: "with Pleasure,

and how about you "

[SillyAdultSkater]

I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:

Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?

Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway. 

[sk8Joyful]

Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics
you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway.  

ooops, - I forgot this was the really BAAD-advice thread.

[Isk8NYC]

I really tried to refrain from this one but could not resist. Every other day you would see this quetion on Yahoo Answers:  Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?

And it's a 12/13-year old asking, to boot.  That cracks me up every time.  They have ages ahead of them and they're asking if they're too old.  At least two people feel the need to crush their dreams by replying "you can't go to the olympics" when the asker didn't even mention competitions!  It's like they live for the cruelty.  Their next question is always "what should I wear to skating?"  roflol!  

Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway.  

Cute thread, SAS.

Right you are!  After all, Johnny Weir started at 12!  Buy your skates at Modell's - the cheaper the better and yes, they come pre-sharpened.

[SillyAdultSkater]

Shoot, "the really bad advice to that would be" I meant. This is one habit that's gonna be hard to kick, worse than taking/making pictures.  

Any advice on how to kick that habit?  

[Sierra]

Well the bad advise to that would probably be, nooooo go ahead you're young enough for the olympics you'll be doing triples in a year time and don't bother with a coach, that whole coaching thing is a scam anyway. 

Don't worry bout the spins and footwork either, it's really only judged on jumps, so long as you have a bunch of cheated triple axels in your program you'll do great!

[jjane45]

I am a female adult skater looking for a pairs partner, what should I do to increase my chances?

[SillyAdultSkater]

Have a female friend of yours undergo sex change surgery and hormone therapy and skate with her (now him) after a legal sex change? 

[fsk8r]

Have a female friend of yours undergo sex change surgery and hormone therapy and skate with her (now him) after a legal sex change? 

Alternatively you can undergo the surgery instead and then you've got the choice of all the partners.

[kiwiskater]

 
* Create a true resume with valid, legitimate experience that is relevant to the position. Don't pad it with hyperbole.
* Have a guidance or career counsellor, or a business studies teacher review your resume and cover letter, and coach you on interview techniques. If it is a written application, use neat, tidy handwriting, blue ink, and don't use flourishes or decorative accents on your letters.
* Dress professionally.
* If they turn you down, smile, thank them for their time, and ask them to keep you in mind for future openings. Continuing to call every week or so or "drop by" makes you an
   irritant and shows you are not professional.
* Ask for specific feedback on why you didn't get the job, and, also, what skills they are looking for.
* Remember that most jobs are obtained by referrals. Do you know anyone that works there? With 100's of applications for positions, they cull by certain criteria, including: 
    a) any spelling errors on the resume or cover letter; b) age c) experience, d) who the references are. It is more likely that they will hire relatives or friends of trusted employees.

Wear your ice skates to the interview (since based on Sk8tmum's advice you've already got there), - ask is this not the interview for the next Dancing on Ice show? Then put them up on the furniture like (you might) at home, you're a shoo in, you'll get the job no problem

Issue loud, barking orders at their staff when you walk in the door - your practising for when they hire you.

Buy your skates at Modell's - the cheaper the better and yes, they come pre-sharpened.

Always listen the the hockey skaters at the pro shop, they know everything & are wise beyond their years when it comes to figure skating  :laugh3

[SillyAdultSkater]

Alternatively you can undergo the surgery instead and then you've got the choice of all the partners.

A reply worthy of this thread. *worship*

[Kat]

Can i start ice skating? or am i too old?

Ugh!  They ask it about pretty much EVERY activity!  Now granted, I know we all understand that most of the great skaters/dancers/athletes/whatever started at, like, age 4, and yes, starting at 15 probably won't get you to the Olympics.  But I can't help it...I don't tend to answer those questions nicely.  One answer, for example, was something like, "I love how all you 14-year-olds come on here and act like you've already got one foot in the grave."  The older I get, the harder and harder I find it to be nice when answering stupid questions...