The really bad advise thread!

Kat · October 03, 2010, 08:24:47 PM

Quote from: Kat on October 03, 2010, 08:21:17 PM
Ugh! They ask it about pretty much EVERY activity! Now granted, I know we all understand that most of the great skaters/dancers/athletes/whatever started at, like, age 4, and yes, starting at 15 probably won't get you to the Olympics. But I can't help it...I don't tend to answer those questions nicely. One answer, for example, was something like, "I love how all you 14-year-olds come on here and act like you've already got one foot in the grave." The older I get, the harder and harder I find it to be nice when answering stupid questions...

QuoteI am a female adult skater looking for a pairs partner, what should I do to increase my chances?

Take your clothes off. I guarantee you'll attract male attention.

(And once you get that frostbite treated, you'll be all set to skate!)

QuoteAlternatively you can undergo the surgery instead and then you've got the choice of all the partners.

I was just going to suggest dressing a female friend in drag and then insisting she's really male (if you choose someone who can't achieve a sufficiently male look through hairstyle, dress, and carriage, you can come up with elaborate stories about her sensitivity about her hormone problems if you like). It may increase your chances if you bring up the hoopla about that runner that got thrown through all the testing and such to prove she was female and how they really don't want to go through that with all the negative publicity, do they...

fsk8r · October 07, 2010, 06:35:41 AM

So how do I tell the client that I can't go visit him in a far flung corner of the planet cos I've got a skating test (which is more important obviously)?

LilJen · October 11, 2010, 10:31:01 AM

Sorry, client; your work is just not a priority to me!! I'll visit you when I have time. In 2013. The client will LOVE you for this response!

jjane45 · October 12, 2010, 09:40:48 PM

Or, invite the client to witness the historical moment at your rink! Tell client work can always wait but Olympics cannot.

kiwiskater · October 12, 2010, 09:52:21 PM

invite them out on the ice with you

you are about learning their business, they can come learn about yours!

SillyAdultSkater · October 14, 2010, 05:00:21 PM

Offer pictures of you in nothing *but* your skates if they wait.

jjane45 · October 28, 2010, 01:09:34 AM

How should I avoid looking down at the ice while skating?

fsk8r · October 28, 2010, 01:57:34 AM

wear a neck brace, then you physically can't move your head down.

Query · October 28, 2010, 11:08:57 AM

Close your eyes as you skate.

Learn to feel the ice and the forces within it and about you.

Learn to sense the presence of others without needing to see.

May the force be with you.

Sk8tmum · October 28, 2010, 11:57:43 AM

Find somebody just the right height, where their head fits under your chin, and skate around the ice cuddled up behind them with your chin resting on top of their head.. Keeps you warm, you make a new friend, and you don't look down.

jjane45 · October 30, 2010, 12:12:27 AM

I could always count on this thread for a great laugh!

Advices please: how can I cure my Adult-Onset Skating Syndrome (AOSS)?

Query · October 30, 2010, 12:03:29 PM

Quote from: jjane45 on October 30, 2010, 12:12:27 AMhow can I cure my Adult-Onset Skating Syndrome (AOSS)?

Remove your feet.

Or take up another sport. Something nice and safe. Like base jumping or cave diving.

kiwiskater · October 31, 2010, 08:11:29 PM

Quote from: jjane45 on October 30, 2010, 12:12:27 AM
I could always count on this thread for a great laugh!

Advices please: how can I cure my Adult-Onset Skating Syndrome (AOSS)?

Take up mythology, find the fountain of youth & drink - you'll regress in age thefore you'll no longer be an adult & you couldn't possibly have AOSS

SillyAdultSkater · December 21, 2010, 09:15:15 AM

LOL @ fountain of youth! For those of us who are not offended by (drawn) girls in bikinis, google "fountain of girl" (it'll be the first hit, at oglaf - not advised to view at work) - it's about what happens when you find the WRONG fountain of youth!

As for the adult onset skating syndrome, I think what you want to do is get it recognized as an official mental health disorder, then call in sick to work saying you've got AOSS and can't come to work. Then, go skate!

jjane45 · December 22, 2010, 12:05:16 AM

I built a small, 20x30 ice rink in the back yard, how should I resurface it?

SillyAdultSkater · December 22, 2010, 07:51:41 PM

With a flattening iron. Hook it up to a power cable extender and iron the entire rink's surface. If it takes too long, train a monkey to do it.

jazzpants · December 23, 2010, 01:34:30 AM

Quote from: AgnesNitt on September 15, 2010, 07:33:23 PM
Don't forget to wash your hair and go to bed with your hair still wet.

Hate to admit, I do that at times actually... But if I'm too tired, I don't really care if my head is still wet!!! LOL!!!

Sk8tmum · December 23, 2010, 07:52:57 AM

At Christmas time, to help appear that you have a festive spirit, tie a small sparkly ornament to each piece of hair that is sticking up in random ways on your head after you sleep on it wet. Then, apply green coloured hair gel and a strong coat of glittery hair spray. Wear a green sweatshirt, add jingly earrings - and, hey, you're a human Christmas Tree. You'll be loved by all of your co-workers as you trail through the office spreading Christmas joy (and the stench of glittery hair spray, plus a shower of bits of glitter as you pass). If you can tie some presents around your waist, it will add to the effect, and hide the added inches that have resulted from over-indulging in Christmas treats. Same effect effect could be had, though, now I think of it, by fastening a festive tree skirt to cover the same area ...

jjane45 · January 14, 2011, 12:44:50 AM

Can i start training for the olympics? im 13 and i started figure skating last year. ive been doing skate school for one year. the only jump i know is walts jump perfectly, but i want to start training for the olympics someday.. (real question)

JHarer · January 14, 2011, 02:27:44 AM

Quote from: jjane45 on January 14, 2011, 12:44:50 AM
Can i start training for the olympics? im 13 and i started figure skating last year. ive been doing skate school for one year. the only jump i know is walts jump perfectly, but i want to start training for the olympics someday.. (real question)

Yes, absolutely, in fact I'd say you ready for the olympics, just get a really sparkly skating dress and it will make you look like your spinning fast and jumping high.

SillyAdultSkater · February 08, 2011, 02:18:33 PM

Yeah start with robbing a bank. You'll need the money for all the lessons.

kiwiskater · February 08, 2011, 02:22:55 PM

Don't forget tax evasion on all that $ either, that way it lasts longer - after all think about how much you'll spend on skates, medical bills (even if it's just massage for all those spills)

Sierra · February 08, 2011, 05:29:57 PM

Quote from: kiwiskater on February 08, 2011, 02:22:55 PM
Don't forget tax evasion on all that $ either, that way it lasts longer - after all think about how much you'll spend on skates, medical bills (even if it's just massage for all those spills)

Quote from: SillyAdultSkater on February 08, 2011, 02:18:33 PM
Yeah start with robbing a bank. You'll need the money for all the lessons.

You can also just sneak onto the ice without paying and steal other people's skates, or better yet, steal them new from the proshop. And demand to live with a colleague so you don't have to deal with those pesky electricity and mortgage bills. You should also demand that your coach lower his lesson price just for you, because, after all, you're fattening his reputation with a potential Olympian.

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The really bad advise thread!