Frustrated and upset. Parents- what would you do?

[Sierra]

So today I lost an hour of ice time. And the only reason I skated at all is because I had a lesson. And my mother even said she was tempted to just pay my coach and not take me at all. The ice time wasn't as productive as it could be, either, because I was upset, shaky and holding back tears.

I'm homeschooled and do work online. The gist of it is, I got behind in my work. I had about seven or eight assignments to catch up on- some of those were oral exams. The week I was supposed to do the oral exams on, I was unable to because on the day I was going to call the teacher for it, the school site went down. Some of the schoolwork being behind was actually my fault alone, but I had already planned out my schoolwork for this week so it'd all be caught up before Wednesday.
This is the first time all semester that I have slipped up and gotten behind. The entire semester, I've gotten A's in everything except math, in which I have an 89% in. The teachers have raved over my schoolwork and I've been on pace the whole time. And the first time I slip up, my mother starts yelling at me and takes away my ice time, which is a drastic punishment.

So on the way to the ice rink I tried to calmly point out that I had been good all semester and that I had just slipped up for a couple of weeks, and that I had already caught up some of the work today. I then pointed out that my brother(who did public school) would sometimes get C's, do projects the night before they were due & even skipped school, yet he would never get anything taken away. I reminded her that I had taken care of the horses and done the dishes to help her save time.
My mother responded by telling me how much attitude I had about skating, and how much 'sacrifice' she made to get me to the rink. She then complained about having to take me skating and having to pay for it and having other things to do. She told me how pissed off she was that I had disregarded schoolwork. By this point I was in tears- and believe me, it takes a lot to put me in tears.

Yes, I do sometimes get annoyed/attitudey with her over skating. But what can I do? I've tried and tried to make her understand that skating is my sport, not a hobby, and that coaching is going to be my future career. I have tried to negotiate and be reasonable, but I'm at my wit's end. I have not received any sort of recognition or reward for my schoolwork being so well done in my first semester of high school. Instead, I receive punishment. It's always negativity with her- never positivity. The entire time today she was nasty toward me.

Parents- what would you have done? Is it okay to complain about skating to your child's face, and to put a mature teenager in tears?
I've tried talking to her, which always ends in a fight. I've tried to show that I'm willing to help out any way I can- I've even made dinner. I just don't know what to do. I'm incredibly upset and I'm more afraid than ever that I might be forced to just quit skating.

[drskater]

Sierra,

You do need a little TLC.  ((hug)).

This probably isn't what you want to hear but...You will be a teenager for just a very short part of your life. The situation is only temporary. Of course, you'll always figure skate because it is what you've chosen for yourself. You must try to find it in yourself to be patient and remember that for the rest of your days you will be responsible for your own life.

In the meantime, how about getting all those assignments done just to keep your Mom off your back? 

[Sk8Dreams]

(((((Sierra)))))

As the roller skating daughter of very supportive parents, and the mom of two figure skating daughters, now grown, I'm really sorry to hear that you and your mom do not see eye to eye on something so important to you.  I suspect that your mom is worried that you will not complete your education, or will choose to pursue a career in figure skating instead of more serious academic goals such as grad school, med school, etc.

I suggest that instead of constantly butting heads with her on coaching being your future, you back off, and allow her to see the effort you are making and excellent results you are getting in your school work.  I'm not saying to stop skating or even to skate less, just don't make it an issue.  You haven't said if you plan to go to college.  If you are thinking of skipping college and going straight into coaching, that would probably make your mom crazy.  If you do plan college, you could let your mom know why skating is still a good thing: skating is healthy and relieves stress, there is no higher paying job for a college student, scholarships may be available for synchro.  I would not bring this up in a conversation about skating.  The right time would be in a conversation about college, so skating would be subordinate to education.

[twokidsskatemom]

I am very sure you will not like my answer.
If my kids that skate every day  were behind, you bet the first thing to go would be skating.If you really wanted to skate that bad, YOU would make sure your schoolwork would be done.
From her point of view.
You are 14
You have been skating for a year or so.
You want to coach.
Do you know how many times your goals will change from now till you are 40? Yes, you want to coach. Next year it could be you want to sky dive or travel to Japan. That is how 14, 15, 16, 20, 25 year olds think and act.
Do you really know what coaching entails? Do you really know how hard it is? Do you really think you can support yourself when the economy flops and skating is the first to go?What happens when you have two  students and one breaks her leg? Stops skating? Goes to another coach?
My daughter has wanted to coach since she was 5.She is 11 now.She and her brother are helpers with our Learn to Skate.Yes, I can see her coaching when she is older. She  has skated more than half her life already.But if she got behind  in school, Damm straight she wouldlose what matters to her.[r

[twokidsskatemom]

If you really want to do this, she needs to see you make a honest effort. You have to do your school work,and not have an  teen attitude .You have to do everything  you can to get to the rink, test, and move up the ladder.
Good luck!

[Sierra]

I am pretty sure I want to coach. I've been teaching my mother since April. Yes, it could change. It feels much different than when I decided I wanted to be a vet/author/etc. I understand where you're coming from, though.

I am going to college. I'm planning on a business degree, because I can get a lot of jobs with that if the coaching falls out. I'm going to do dual enrollment in my junior and senior years because it'll save money and make Mom happy (and the college is two miles away from the rink ).
But to get into dual, I need a certain SAT score. So I have to take the SATs when I'll be barely two years into high school. I am really doing a lot of dedicated work just to please my parents. Most teenagers would not do that, yet it goes unrecognized.

Everyone's input is really comforting. In a year or so maybe it won't be so bad. It won't be long before I can drive myself. It does make a lot of sense to lay low for a while. My biggest fear is that she'll just get fed up and either make me quit or cut me back down to once-a-week group lessons, and that would just kill me. When something happens that threatens my skating, I immediately go into constant stress and tension.

[icefrog]

I I am really doing a lot of dedicated work just to please my parents. Most teenagers would not do that, yet it goes unrecognized.

This really has nothing to do with skating, but if you are doing advanced coursework and trying to start college early you should be doing it for *you*. I used to pull that card with my mom and she would always say that its my work and that I shouldn't do it to please her it should be for all for me. She had this little speech she would do but I can't remember it now or I would totally give it to you Sierra.

Honestly your situation is not all that uncommon. I had a similar thing with my mom and dad and since it was my hobby I had to pay for it and I know teenagers at the rink  I'm at now with similar situations and I had a friend that I skated with who had the same thing as me and you. My skating really started to take off when I was 17 and I worked and paid my own skating bills.

[Kim to the Max]

Sierra:

Your education is the most important thing you can have. Skating will always be there, but you do not have a chance to go back and re-do those mess ups with high school or with college. Use your time now to learn as much as you can in many different subjects. Yes, you can dual enroll and "get done" with college quicker (and perhaps for less money), but will you learn as much? I don't think so. College is more than just classes. College is an experience and there are many things you can do to reduce the cost of college. Study and get good grades and apply for scholarships. Also, do not just get a business degree because that is where you think the money is or where the easy jobs are. When you go to college, look for classes you WANT to take, subjects you want to learn about. With your interest in skating, maybe you want to be PT or a PA or athletic trainer, or want to go into sport management. There are many ways to take something you are interested it, and take it one step further.

I agree with icefrog. You need to be doing this for you and not for your mother. Right now, as a 14 year old young woman, your "job" is school. Us adults spend 8+ hours a day at a job...for you, your job is to learn as much as you can. Take advantage of that.

You need to have a goal, and the vague, "I want to coach" goal won't really cut it. Not many people can make a full time job out of coaching. And to get to that point takes years and years and years.

And I'm sorry to say, that the taking away of the ice time is appropriate if you are not completing the requirements of your "job." If you cannot finish what you are required to do, then the extras need go. I have had that conversations with many a student staff member...if you cannot succeed at school, the other stuff needs to go so you can focus on your academics.

I apologize if this reply doesn't make the most sense in the world. My thoughts are all over the place with how to respond and I am having troubles writing down everything that is in my head about this...

[Sk8tmum]

I have had, and I will have, the same sort of conversations with my teenagers. At 14, they are not adults; they are adolescents. If they are not fulfilling the "needs" and achieving their potential, it is my responsibility as a parent to step in and put them back on track. 

Skating will wait. School moves on.  The marks you achieve become part of your permanent record. If you have academic goals, you need to focus on them from day one; also, knowledge cumulates. What you don't learn in Grade 9 becomes a problem in Grade 10, etc.

In terms of becoming a coach:  I suggest that you investigate thoroughly your chosen career. Interview coaches; ask them about their work schedules, their challenges, their training and the ups and downs of the profession. Ask them how many years it takes to make a living at it. Investigate the required training; look at earnings and paygrades. Then, figure out how much you need to live on and your desired lifestyle. Consider whether this is a feasible profession.

Then, actually work as a coach in some manner. Coaching your mother is not the same thing as working with children, adolescents, their parents and other professionals. My daughter amateur coaches at a high level, as does my son.  They found it very different than they expected before they moved to this level. The hardest part was not the coaching of the skills; it was dealing with the personalities (skater and parent), the logistics, and the politics.

Maybe you'll be a great coach, but, as a teacher, I see many students who believe fervently that they have chosen the perfect profession and then discover through a work placement - not so good a choice.  Of course, this is also better than the students who go with that first choice and then discover later in life that they've made a choice that wasn't righ tfor them. AT 14, you should be exploring a range of options, and not limiting yourself.

[kssk8fan]

Sierra, you should go thank your mother for pointing out what is most important.....your education.  You're a student first, skater second.  At least that's how it "should" be!!!  Your assignments come first.  Skating is a privilege whether you're a competitive skater or just recreational. 

Your mother has every right to beat it into your head that education comes first.  I know it sucks, but it's the truth!   Make sure you're caught up on all your school work and your ice time will be much more productive in the future!!!

[Clarice]

Echoing what many others have said here, your education comes first.  I also second the recommendation of researching what coaching as a profession is all about.  My own daughter plans on being a career coach.  The difference is that she is 21, in college majoring in exercise science, and has passed her Senior tests.  She is coaching now, and making good money for a college student, but not nearly enough to support herself.  Her father and I still pay her living expenses and insurance.  To be a coach, you need to carry liability insurance and buy your own health insurance.  It's also good (and necessary at some rinks) to register as a coach with US Figure Skating and belong to the Professional Skaters Association.  There are fees associated with this, as well as for the continuing education requirements that coaches fulfill annually.  Find out what all those costs will be, and calculate how many lessons you'll need to teach to pay them off before you start making any profit.  And keep in mind that some rinks require you to pay them a commission on each lesson you teach.  Oh, and taxes - if you're self employed, you'll need to set aside enough to pay taxes, too.

All the coaches I know except one have other jobs in addition to coaching.  That one works at several rinks, which are as much as 2 1/2 hours apart from each other.  He pretty much lives in his car.  He does not have a luxurious lifestyle, by any means.  And he has both skated and coached at the Olympics.

My daughter will likely do as her own coaches have done - either get married and coach part time while raising a family, or coach in addition to holding down another job that pays most of the bills and provides benefits.

[Sierra]

The thing is, the schoolwork was already being caught up (and at the moment is completely caught up). Part of it was out of my control (site went down, was unable to study for the oral exam, could not move on in course without oral exam). Because I skate so little for my level, an hour is a huge hit to my weekly progress. Had the skating been on today or Wednesday, I most likely would not have lost the skating. And the accompanied nastiness and remarks from Mom were unnecessary.

It is partly for skating because dual enrollment & a scholarship will save money, which in turn can be used toward skating. In Florida, scholarships are rampant, with that lottery system thing they have. My brother- who has nowhere near the GPA I do- got a 60% scholarship. Since the two years of dual will be basic classes, it'll pretty much be what I'm doing now- composition, algebra and such. I have been thinking about some sort of sports science classes, too. But at the moment, I really can't think of anything I'd rather do.

I would give anything to be able to support my own skating. I buy my own skates & blades, plus extras such as dresses and gel sleeves. But there is absolutely no way, no how I could ever pay for lessons & ice time. I've applied at Publix, but there is no other job opportunities out there for people my age.

I do understand the taxes & fees & possibility of needing another job. And I will continue thinking it out over the next four or five years. I'm planning to ask my coach the age limit for junior coaches- I would have asked her yesterday, but forgot, due to having other things on my mind. I have plenty of time to continue putting my future together. Before skating, I wanted to be an equine veterinarian. My mother never mentioned the years of medical training and the difficulty of starting up and getting patients. Strange.
I look at other mothers in the rink- ones that sit for four hours in the lobby and ones that ask for updates from the coach- and wonder what happened with my mother. She's more of a distant billpayer. I can't think of the last time she talked to my coach.

[falen]

You seem very mature.  If you just keep being that way and working hard and keeping your anger in check, it will eventually fall into place.

[Doubletoe]

Before skating, I wanted to be an equine veterinarian. My mother never mentioned the years of medical training and the difficulty of starting up and getting patients. Strange.
I look at other mothers in the rink- ones that sit for four hours in the lobby and ones that ask for updates from the coach- and wonder what happened with my mother. She's more of a distant billpayer. I can't think of the last time she talked to my coach.

If you have horses at home, then I'm assuming your mother is a horse lover and could relate to your previous idea of becoming an equine veterinarian, but cannot relate to your love of skating.  If she doesn't like going to the rink and doesn't relate to your love of skating, then I could understand why she might feel resentful about having to drive you there and pay for it, and why she would be so willing to just pay for your lesson and not actually take you to it.  *If* this is the case, there probably isn't anything you can do to change her attitude and you'll just have to continue to be an A+ student, be helpful at home, and give her no excuse to take away your skating. Sometimes we have to fight for what we love! (((HUG)))

[twokidsskatemom]

If you have horses at home, then I'm assuming your mother is a horse lover and could relate to your previous idea of becoming an equine veterinarian, but cannot relate to your love of skating.  If she doesn't like going to the rink and doesn't relate to your love of skating, then I could understand why she might feel resentful about having to drive you there and pay for it, and why she would be so willing to just pay for your lesson and not actually take you to it.  *If* this is the case, there probably isn't anything you can do to change her attitude and you'll just have to continue to be an A+ student, be helpful at home, and give her no excuse to take away your skating. Sometimes we have to fight for what we love! (((HUG)))

I dont know if that is true for this mom or not. I dont skate, and lots of the moms I know dont skate.That has  little to do with being  supportive of my kids dreams and goals.
We dont know if the OP has been in a zillion  things and not stuck to any or not. We dont know her, just like no  one knows any of us. I am not saying this is true, just that  we are hearing one side.I do think the OP gets ahead of herself alot, something common in an 14 year old.
If you test and do your schoolwork, help out with Learn to skate and  listen to your mom maybe she would support you more.

[Sierra]

Yep- we have horses at home. She's been in horsey stuff all her life.
She actually skates herself, and is happy for herself when she finally 'gets' something. Somehow it doesn't transfer to my skating. I mean, she supports me at competitions.. and such.. but is very distant from the actual training & practice itself. If you asked her to name the jumps I'm working on now, she would have no clue.
I've never done any other sport or extracurricular activity besides recreational horseback riding. I pretty much started doing stuff when I began homeschooling two years ago. 4-h, dance & skating. 4-h doesn't cost anything, dance was drifted out of (partly mom's decision), and skating.. well, see where we are now.
But you're completely right. It's hard to judge and solve problems without really knowing me or my mother.
I do use the 'give her no excuse' philosophy, but the tiniest crack, and there goes my skating. :bash

[AgnesNitt]

Sierra, this may come as a shock to you, but adults have problems too. Your mother may have some concerns that as an adult she is concealing from you. She may be doing this since she wants your life to be happy. Unfortunately, even well meaning adults can vent on the nearest person that they love very much, and since they can't tell you what their own concerns are, they erupt over over trivial things unrelated to their problem.

Your mother could have concerns about her health, or money, or legal issues, or any of a number of problems that would never occur to a teenager. It may not be about you. I know, shocker.

If I were you, I'd get off skating forums and do my homework. Oh, and don't go to Facebook either.

[Doubletoe]

Yep- we have horses at home. She's been in horsey stuff all her life.
She actually skates herself, and is happy for herself when she finally 'gets' something. Somehow it doesn't transfer to my skating. I mean, she supports me at competitions.. and such.. but is very distant from the actual training & practice itself. If you asked her to name the jumps I'm working on now, she would have no clue.
I've never done any other sport or extracurricular activity besides recreational horseback riding. I pretty much started doing stuff when I began homeschooling two years ago. 4-h, dance & skating. 4-h doesn't cost anything, dance was drifted out of (partly mom's decision), and skating.. well, see where we are now.
But you're completely right. It's hard to judge and solve problems without really knowing me or my mother.
I do use the 'give her no excuse' philosophy, but the tiniest crack, and there goes my skating. :bash

Hmm. . . If your mom enjoys skating enough to skate herself, then that might not be it.  Like AgnesNitt said, it could be other stresses in her life that are weighing on her (finances? lack of time to do the things she would like to do for herself?  other things you might not know about?).  It is hard to tell without hearing both sides of it and knowing about you both.  But it does sound like she has high expectations of you, and you should try to see that as a compliment.  If she expects you to get A's, it's because she knows you are smart enough to do it and that you are capable of successfully juggling your time between skating and school.  Wishing you the best!

[davincisop]

For what it's worth, I'm graduating from college in two days, this past semester I really learned how to balance my skating and my schoolwork, I made time for everything, granted I had a lot of very late nights, yet my mom still said I was spending too much time skating. However, I'm looking at it from my end, I'm paying for EVERYTHING skating related, I got a job at the ice rink to help with the costs, I am about to graduate college and skating was my much needed bi-weekly stress relief and I did a darn good job balancing everything and somehow only got sick this semester ONE time (when the weather first started going crazy in florida). My mom has yet to see me skate. I started back up a year and a half ago. She's gone to the barn to watch my sister ride, but she's not gone to the ice rink to see me skate. There's no favoritism, she's just not made it there.

However, I'm leaving for NYC in four days with my mom and my sister, and you can darn well bet that she will see me skate, and I don't me skating around the rink at Rockefeller and such, I mean doing my jumps and my spins.

I finally got program music, I told her, and I didn't even get much of a response. She supports my skating but she doesn't want me to put it before school and a job. However, I've also managed to get an internship that I'm doing well at, too, so she's getting better now that she realizes I'm not wasting my time just going to the rink. She's aware my job saves me $18 a week on skating. The only skating related thing she is paying for in the next few months is a new pair of skates for my birthday because mine are 8 years old and don't fit correctly anymore.


So, coming from a college student, soon-to-be graduate, your mom is looking at this from the standpoint that while skating is your sport, it's still your hobby. Coaching may be a job for you someday but right now school is your job and doing well in school is your job. Skating is your stress relief.

[davincisop]

I should add, too, that I didn't go skating at ALL last week because I started my internship and had to finish things for my portfolio and she saw that. It killed me because I needed to skate, but it was well worth it on Saturday (I finished with school on Friday) when we texted good morning and she asked what I was doing that day and I said "Going to the rink to skate" and she wrote back "Good Go have fun!"

She supports it in different ways and I think will be a little more supportive now that I don't have to balance my schoolwork along with it.

[Sierra]

Yes, it could be something else. But why take it out on me? She does complain a lot about not having time, but she works part-time three days a week and is home by 2. Financials are a worry, but we're very, very far away from being booted out or anything. And then it could be something I don't know about.. Parents are supposed to be there for their kids.

I wish she would have high expectations for my skating. It's great that she has lots of ambition for me, especially since she never went to college.

That's great, davinsicoprano. Congratulations. You're my new role model. Do you live by yourself? Maybe she will be more supportive once I show that I can handle high school? Next year will actually be easier because I'll have completed my foreign language credits (did the first credit while still in middle school).
She's the same way.. I don't get much response. I think I stopped telling her what jumps I landed sometime back around my lutz.

[Doubletoe]

Yes, it could be something else. But why take it out on me? She does complain a lot about not having time, but she works part-time three days a week and is home by 2. Financials are a worry, but we're very, very far away from being booted out or anything. And then it could be something I don't know about.. Parents are supposed to be there for their kids.

I wish she would have high expectations for my skating. It's great that she has lots of ambition for me, especially since she never went to college.

That's great, davinsicoprano. Congratulations. You're my new role model. Do you live by yourself? Maybe she will be more supportive once I show that I can handle high school? Next year will actually be easier because I'll have completed my foreign language credits (did the first credit while still in middle school).
She's the same way.. I don't get much response. I think I stopped telling her what jumps I landed sometime back around my lutz.

That is a little hard to understand for me, too, but parents are imperfect people just like everyone else, so sometimes they will disappoint you or fall short of your expectations (I could tell you stories about my father when I was a teenager. . . and well into my adulthood!  Ugh!).  There will always be some things about you that your parents don't relate to, and you may just need to get that support and understanding from other people in your life instead.  That's why we have our skating friends! 

[Sk8tmum]

^^^^

Hmmm ... I work and am home by 3:30 daily - not too late. Yet, my daughter is expected to cook proper, home-cooked meals 4 to 5 times a week; do housework; babysit her younger sibling; has a part-time job, skates 5 days a week, and maintains a very high average in a demanding fast-tracked academic program.  She also is well aware of our family finances and what is reasonable in terms of expectations for spending.  She has maintained this since age 14 (and before). My son has similar expectations (at age 14).

I have a great deal of respect for her, and so do others.  I am constantly told of how mature, responsible, sensitive and thoughtful she is. She is on track for preferential admission to post-secondary schools in part due to her reputation in the community and to her extra-curricular activities.  I do know that she would never criticize me publicly, and would defend me to others faithfully, even if she disagreed with me, because that's loyalty to family. She would also not discuss our family finances publicly. In return, we offer her the same respect.  I wonder how your mother would feel if she knew you were posting complaints about her in a public forum? Remember that everything on the internet is public.

In terms of your parents being there for you ... sounds like they are, just, maybe not in the way you want.

[davincisop]

Awww Sierra, you're making me blush. I live with two roommates and luckily my parents do pay for my rent and utilities (long story involving very unclean dorms and a crazy roommate situation in said dorms and a period where I was consistently sick for two months straight because said roommates would do the nasty in the shower and not clean thus staph infection for me and letting their friend sleep in my bed when I was out of town once... yeah....). But as far as skating goes, minus new skates I'm getting for my birthday, I pay for it all myself, lessons, freestyle time, clothes, etc. The only thing I didn't pay for was a jacket mom got me for work because I've been the scorekeeper the last two months and it's darn cold in there!

If you can show her that you can balance schoolwork among other things you should be ok. I went skating today and neglected my bedroom which looks like a bomb went off (thank you portfolio) and I just need to completely purge it. But that's a several day long process and I just didn't have any energy this week. I needed a break. Sooooo needless to say when she comes up tomorrow for my portfolio show, she won't be setting foot in my bedroom, my apartment, yes, but bedroom, no. She knows I had all those projects and needed to relax, but after we get back from NYC next week relax time is over and it's prioritizing and figuring out an updated work schedule so I can balance skating, internship, AND work. My only thing now is I'm going to make sure I take off Saturdays because 1) it's public skate night and my anxiety goes from 0-60 in less than a minute when I have to keep watch of over 200 people and 2) that's when my friends go out and I want to be able to have a social life rather than being stuck at work until 11pm and then so exhausted from watching all those people that I can't go out and relax.

I have faith in you, Sierra, just show your mom you can balance everything and NEVER let skating get ahead of school no matter how much you want it to. If you have to cut back the skating just a tad to catch up on schoolwork so be it, trust me when I say that skating knowing you don't have anything due is totally worth it.

[Sierra]

Of course, now that I think of it, she can be a great mom, until skating comes along.

I am aware that it's a public forum- which is why I take great pains to never give any sort of clue what region of Florida I live in, or my rink name, or my name, or my coach's name, and such. To all of you, my mother and I are anonymous faces. And I do need somewhere to rant, or ask for guidance, and frankly, my teenage friends just don't understand. And I'm not posting teen things like "I have an awful mom who hates me"

Can I be your daughter? I want a part time job and 5-day a week skating. I'm probably going to have to wait until 16-18 to be able to find any sort of job. I do weekly housework, ever since last spring pretty much. If I tried to cook dinner five days a week, some part of the kitchen would get hurt. Not the most coordinated cook.

Ick.
Great job- and good luck with your room. Next month I'm going to be skating alot because of an unlimited card that was raffled off to us (my brother will be taking me). With that month, I can show her that I can handle schoolwork even under extreme skating conditions (I'll be prepping my pig for county fair, too.)