Not sure whether to be flattered...

[DressmakingMomma]

talking about them loud enough to hear, it sort of does become your business

Yep, two weeks ago dd had another girl tell her that she wasn't good enough for her skates. Was it a teachable moment about kindness? Sure was, but it also hurt dd's feelings and brought about some self doubt we're now having to spend some time working through.

I can brush it off, I'm a grown up. Don't talk about my kid - then you rouse the mamma bear in me.

It's unfortunate we can't just be more supportive of one another, kids and adults alike, for just even trying a sport that is TOUGH. I know I"m too wimpy to get out there for fear of falling and anybody who gets on the ice has my respect.

[Neverdull44]

We can't change anyone else's behavior.  But, your child is watching yours and your reaction to these richer parents.  So, take the high road when dealing with other parents and other skaters.  You're in a great position to teach your children about human interaction.  Because, money doesn't buy class.   And, the best figure skating boots & blades are not going to make one a perfect skater.  Dedication and love of the sport will.

I worry that this sport is very hard on parents, especially those that stay in the rink too much and don't bring something to do.   I say this now that i have a daughter that skates and a son that's getting really into hockey.   I sit around, watching him play hockey.   I want to tell him what to do & how to do it, though I know nothing about being a hockey player.   Then, I'm watching the other kids.  I can't help but compare my kid to those kids, which one is he better and which one is he weaker?   It's just natural to want your kid to be the best.  But, that's not always going to be.  There are other kids that are better skaters, better puck handlers, been skating more years, bigger, etc.   I remind myself that he's learning to skate, having fun, being a kid, learning healthy habits.  And, those other kids are too.   He's not there to be an extension of my ego or to prove my parenting skills.     It's his turn to shine as best he can, and not as best as I push him.   If I couldn't realize the bigger picture, I'd leave the rink and go workout at a nearby gym, take a walk around the rink, or just sit outside and read a book.   If you find yourself being judgmental, it's time to take a break.

[jlspink22]

We have a nearby gym and trust me I'll be taking my time once she's old enough to drop off.... (I get almost zero time alone between work and hubby and girl child).

[Neverdull44]

Take your cell phone, tell the coach(es), and go outside for a half hour walk circling the building, return enough to watch her the last 10 minutes, clap, and tell her she's doing great.   You'll feel better. 

I did that for years when my daughter was in dance class.  After the 4 year old class, we couldn't watch them anymore.  The dance school moved the older kids to back rooms, and the lobby was tiny.     But, I just couldn't sit around and listen to the other moms.   I was a working mom, and had little in common with them.  I am plain, and they were not plain in any way, shape or form.   We were on the competition dance team, and these other moms were very into themselves and primping up their child.   The dance teachers were more into pure dance, and not like these "Beverly Hills Housewife" moms with implants and botox.   (So, I quickly connected more with the dance instructors.) They reminded me of dedicated figure skater.     So, I dropped her off, went to a gym or local park, and returned when class was out.  The dance school had my cell number.   Dance moms are much worse than figure skating moms . . . . . .

[jlspink22]

You don't have to tell me that. My husband drops her off at dance and goes to the gym next door. I could have written exactly what you did above if this was a dance board.

[jlspink22]

Skating is a bit trickier though because she can see if I'm there or not in the viewing area. Dance is closed doors.

[Neverdull44]

All dance schools are about the same. You're on your way to figuring out this too. 

When I was in the 4th - 6th grade, about 3 or 4 afternoons a week, I'd take the public school bus to the skating rink and my dad picked me up after his work.  My mom was in nursing school.   This was in 1978 to 1980, and my rink was near a very bad part of Miami.   It was near where my dad worked.   The coaches and rink manager "kind of" looked after me, but I pretty much just put on my skates and skated.   They knew my dad's number, but we never had to call him.   Usually, I was just by myself but about once a week I had an hour lesson.   On Saturdays, my dad would drop me off in the morning for club ice and come back at 2:00, when the public was over.    He'd watch, occasionally.    Not every kid could do this.  My son could do it at 6 years old, but my daughter not until the 6th grade.

It served me well.  Now, I am fiercely independent and don't like to rely on anyone else.  I've had a pretty good professional career and battled illness and won. 

[icedancer]

My parents also started dropping me off at the rink (a private club in a very bad area) when I was about 8 or 9- stayed all day and they would pick me up in the afternoon - on a Saturday - also during the week would get a ride to the rink from another skater or their parents, my parents would pick me up in the evening - this was in the 60s.

Not sure I would do this with a 5-year-old.

Also pretty independent now and really almost fearless when it comes to being by myself in strange cities, etc. - may have started with that time - who knows?

[sarahspins]

Yep, two weeks ago dd had another girl tell her that she wasn't good enough for her skates.

This is just silly, honestly.  Your daughter wears custom boots because of fit issues, right?  IMO there is nothing wrong with that since they were built to match both her feet and her skating ability.  Kids can be so cruel.

[AgnesNitt]

Yep, two weeks ago dd had another girl tell her that she wasn't good enough for her skates.

Wait a minute. Let me get my big girl boots on.

I don't know why parents don't train their kids to deal with bullying. It's not hard. It will take 15 minutes now. If you wait and the bullying gets to the point where she's sobbing  and doesn't want to skate, there's pretty much nothing you can do.

Step 1: Teach your daughter the following phrase to say when a KID makes a nasty comment. She is to NEVER say it to an adult.

"I don't care what you think." Then she is to skate away a few feet.

Bully: Your boots are too good for you.
Kid" I don't Care What you Think.

Bully: Your costume is ugly.
Kid: I don't care what you think

BullY: I heard Coach wonderful say you were the worst skater ever.
Kid: I don't care what she thinks,

Then spend 15 minutes having her think of the awful things kids might say and TRAIN her to reflexively say that comment or variations back.
It's important for her to come up with suggestions of what mean girls say. That's part of the exercise. Getting her to PHYSICALLY repeat the 'don't care' comment back to when you make the snarky comments is important.


Stage 2: She wants to be in the big girl/talented skater group.
Who doesn't?
You have to tell her that some people are just mean. There's nothing you or she can do to fix them. But craft the lesson so she realizes that the mean girls aren't a group she wants to join.
Then teach her how to do an eyeroll when the mean girls cut her off, or are rude, Man, I love eyerolls.

This is the advice of a woman who was bullied from age 7 through about 25. Rather, let's say, people attempted to bully me. But nobody ever did it twice. Now all I have is memories of cutting bullies off at the knees. Good times, good times.

[jlspink22]

I don't want the thread to turn into non skating but I was also bullied and the things kids do TODAY go beyond words and what I experienced as a child. Technology and social media are terrible agitators. Just because you tell the bully I don't care doesn't make them stop nor does it sting any less when those kids are relentless. I don't know if you have children but it's a natural instinct to want to do everything to protect them from a cruel world.  We shouldn't have to train kids to deal with bullies, we should be striving not to raise bullies in the first place.

[saje]

I don't want the thread to turn into non skating but I was also bullied and the things kids do TODAY go beyond words and what I experienced as a child. Technology and social media are terrible agitators. Just because you tell the bully I don't care doesn't make them stop nor does it sting any less when those kids are relentless. I don't know if you have children but it's a natural instinct to want to do everything to protect them from a cruel world.  We shouldn't have to train kids to deal with bullies, we should be striving not to raise bullies in the first place.

Well, yes and no.  I was a teacher for several years and YES, there was some terrible bullying that went on over social media.  But, (and here's the NO part) the kids that had the most trouble with it were kids who (1) didn't have great home lives and thus put way too much emphasis on what their peers thought OR (2) had parents that played into the bullying thing ("everyone picks on my kid").  Also - side note - if you don't want your kid to get bullied on social media, don't let your fifth grader have a Facebook and play with it unsupervised.  That's just common sense. 

Now, I don't want to overgeneralize or downplay truly serious bullying situations, but I will say that I feel like (9.9 times out of 10) bullying can be solved by teaching a child to not play into the bully.  Reminding kids to ignore the bully and find a different group of friends to play with goes a long way.  Will your kid get their feelings hurt sometimes?  Yes.  But you know what?  I'm an adult and my feelings still get hurt from time to time because of adult bullies.  That's just the way the world works.  I'm grateful to my mom because she taught me to move on with my life and ignore those negative people.

Sorry to (again) drag this thread further from the skating discussion, but I did want to bring in my viewpoint as a former teacher.

Also, thanks to all the caring mommas out there who are trying to raise the great kiddos who don't bully.

[jlspink22]

I get what you are saying saje but you know - there's not always a different group of friends to turn to. "Bullying" runs from general "jerk" behavior on occasion to relentless. Hard to ignore the kids who are relentless (I had to change schools in 5th grade because I was at private school in a class of 20 and had no one else to even turn too). It's just not always as easy as rolling your eyes....I have a big mouth now, and no problem calling out when someone is being rude to me.  It sadly took me many years to get to that point.

[twinskaters]

Reading all this, I'm starting to wonder if our rink is actually free of psycho skating parents or if I just manage to steer clear and not give a )&@?! what anyone thinks of my kids skates, gear, skills, or general level of awesomeness (extremely high!!). Actually, my coach showed me some texts today that make it clear those people are out there. So I think it's all in not taking it much to heart. I'm not so much talking about kid-bullying (hasn't happened yet) but going back to the OP and the stupid parent head game attempts.

[icedancer]

It strikes me that you have all kinds at the rink - rich and poor, bullies and nice people.  And that the same scenarios probably play out in nearly all of the rinks everywhere in the country and perhaps the world!

I also think that sometimes the skating directors, coaches and other powers-that-be can set the tone for how others in their vicinity behave - we definitely have that in our area where one person's not-so-nice actions seem to get played out over and over again within that particular sphere -

I am probably getting too esoteric for this discussion but in the end what I see is mainly people who make lifelong friends in skating - the skating parents become good friends with each other and in the end they are rooting for all of the kids to do well and have fun - to the best of his or her ability - I have seen this over and over through my years in skating -

And this extends to the adult skating world as well - I can say without a doubt that my skating friends are really the best friends I have had - we see each other through just about everything - on and off of the ice!!

[littlerain]

Just a few thoughts regarding the above comments

- being able to say "I don't care" or being told by others to not care doesn't change the fact that the kid might still care!  I think it is completely valid to need to work through those things, and you are a great mom for working on it with her.

- not every kid has the personality to be able to say those things to people. I for one didn't fully develop that until my early 20s

- there's always a desire to fit in/be liked. I very much wanted to fit in and have things other people had; my brother on the other hand really doesn't care about any of that but is still sometimes sensitive to other people's judgement. He's almost 18 and while he really doesn't care what others think, he is occasionally self conscious about it. It is just something that people have to work through!

[DressmakingMomma]

Thanks, littlerain - excellent points!

My oldest daughter doesn't concern herself with what somebody says and embraces her unique, quirky personality. My youngest experienced bullying at school that wasn't handled (severe enough to begin homeschooling). All worked out in the best possible way since we now have flexibility for lots of skating! I don't believe many young children have the maturity to protect themselves from being excluded, physically intimidated, and harassed. This has set her up to be more easily affected by how others treat her.

The point I was trying to make but didn't do such a good job of (seems right in my head - comes out wrong on the keyboard ) and to relate back to the original poster's comment, it would be lovely to have a rink culture that encourages acceptance and refrain of judgement. As adults, we are the starting point for that culture as we set the example in not judging but rather understanding and there is sometimes a backstory to surface things we may see.

Also, I would say 99% of the time, our current rink is a positive atmosphere that we are proud to be part of. We left the rink that didn't embrace kindness and support of one another's successes - best decision we could have made for our dd's skating.

[Christy]

I'm not competitive but my mother was the type of person who thought that the only way to win was for everyone else to fail. Fortunately I've met a lot of people who celebrate everyone's success and now I try to do the same.
I worked in a team which was very negative then someone new joined and they were very positive about everyone. It took a while but in time everyone adopted a more positive attitude. That really changed my outlook.
Sorry for the waffle, but the way I see it if you want to change the environment you have to initiate the change. If you say positive things to people about their kids it makes it much harder for them to criticise yours, especially if you say it in front of others......

[accordion]

I'm in Australia and skate clothing is very pricey. But there are limited options in non-skate gear as all the exercise clothing is too thin for skating. Happily I sew and can source the nice fabrics for skate gear. So my girls have warm skating pants - made by me.

I'd like to spend money on their boots and more skating time, but, until I get more work that is unlikely to happen. There is one coach who occasionally spruiks the need for 1:1 coaching as the only way to progress. He also won't let his skaters do synchro. I think he finally took the hint when I said that the younger needed the socialisation of group skating, didn't want to compete individually and skating was only ever going to be a recreational activity for her. The elder just wants to skate better, with no end goal. For both, we place far more emphasis on their formal school education and instrumental music before skating gets a look in.

Skating is just fun! So was swimming and along with learning to ride a bike, they are all lifelong physical activities.

[accordion]

Forgot to add - my girls both have Zucas. The elder did one months of ironing (for a 5 person family with mostly natural fabrics) to earn a second hand one from Gumtree. The younger did the laundry folding and putting away for six months to earn hers. Hers was new and was partly a Xmas gift/part work.

The story has done the rounds at our rink with many parents copying the ironing concept. The other girls are not best pleased! 

[jlspink22]

Not to rehash an old thread but looks like those other moms are creating competition which does not exist. Saw the one throwing eye darts at my little one again. Good news is the club moms seem to be genuinely nice!

[iomoon]

I think you all just need to watch this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1D2YuNnpqk

[jlspink22]

I think you all just need to watch this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1D2YuNnpqk

All while having fabulous hair! 

Great response.

[twinskaters]

I'm such a sap. I've seen that before, knew it was a Pantene spot and still cried!

[rd350]

LOL @AgnesNitt Amen!  Probably my most used phrase of late is "mind your own business"!