need help with 12 year old DD

[jenniturtle]

I am in need of any advice fellow parents or coaches can give. I have been having issues with my 12 year old DD ever since she entered middle school. She has been skating 3 years and is on the Pre pre level. She has a huge amount of natural ability and got her axel very quickly. The issue is she is has started making excuses to get out of skating. I believe the problem is that skating is such a solitary sport and we skate at such a small rink. She wants to be around friends and she thinks skating is taking her away from her friends. she is talking about playing volleyball because all of her friends do. I am going to let her try out next fall even though I know she is not a team sports person, she thinks its all fun and games. When the real work sets in I believe she will run. She is only skating now an hour a week and her coach says in order to improve she will need to skate more. My DD wants to skate we just need to find a good balance for her. I myself have given up on her becoming Great but I do want her to continue to get better. Any suggestions on how to keep her motivated???

[Doubletoe]

How do you know she isn't a team sports person?  And if she isn't, getting her into a team sport will help build her teamwork skills and help her work better with others throughout her life.  This is from someone who played a team sport throughout junior high and high school, even though I'm a figure skater now and am not the typical "team sports person."  If she's only skating an hour a week, it won't make much difference if she does something else for awhile and then comes back to it if she misses it.  Just my $0.02.

[hopskipjump]

She is 12....if she is skating an hour a week, she isn't that interested.  If you have to cajole her to make it that one hour, she isn't interested.  If she wants to gain new skills she would be begging to go more often.  I'd encourage her with volleyball. 

It's hard work, social, and she will have great memories.  Who knows?  She might really love it and play in high school/college.

Kids have to skate for themselves, not because their parent wants them to skate.  If she was competitive, dying to go to the rink, skating daily and suddenly decided to quit or decide she didn't want to skate, I'd dig deeper (maybe she feels weird with a male coach because her body is changing, or feels extra pressure or is fearful of triple jumps, or is having issues with bullying, body changes etc). 

But it really sounds like she is a recreational skater picking up a new sport.

Adding - one friend of dd's was similar to yours - 12, in middle school, decided she wanted to be with friends and quit.  After a 6 month break she came back to skating and is MUCH more focused and joined syncho and seems to always be at the rink now.  Maybe a break would remind her what she loved about skating.

[sarahspins]

If she doesn't want to skate then she doesn't want to skate... I think as a parent (I also have a 12 year old) it's important to encourage our kids to stay active somehow, but if they've lost interest in or are unhappy with the sport they are in it's absolutely okay to try something else.

It sounds a bit more like you want her to skate more than she wants to, and skating an hour a week isn't really enough to maintain her current skills long-term.  When she hits a growth spurt that axel (and possibly other jumps) will be lost and skating will likely become more frustrating and less fun for her.  A child that is motivated to skate and make progress will be asking to skate more, not trying to get out of it.

[jjane45]

After a 6 month break she came back to skating and is MUCH more focused and joined syncho and seems to always be at the rink now.  Maybe a break would remind her what she loved about skating.

+1

[Purple Sparkly]

Last summer, one of my skaters decided she didn't want to skate anymore.  She ended up not skating for several months and struggled for a month or so to get back to where she was.  She felt intimidated on freestyle sessions at the summer practice rink and I think she was influenced by a friend that wanted her to do other activities with her. 

Now she is getting ready to start volleyball.  I have another student that also does volleyball.  Since they are both short (I don't expect either of them to be taller than me at 5'3"), I don't mind them doing it for now.  I know that in a couple years they won't be tall enough for it.    (A skater at another rink plays volleyball for her high school.  She is 5'11" and is one of the shortest players on the team.)

[SynchKat]

Have you looked into having her join a synchro team?  She might enjoy that.

[techskater]

Sounds like she needs to find her own way.  All kids do.  Let it be and see where it goes.  If you force her, she will quit later and hate it (and maybe you)...

[FigureSpins]

I didn't think there were synchro teams in your area, iirc.  Regardless, I don't agree that synchro is a salvation for lonely singles skaters.  Yes, some skaters benefit from camraderie, but others find it difficult to become part of an already-established team, especially if the current skaters aren't welcoming or if there are age differences.  I know parents who have made their kid stay on the synchro team even though she doesn't to skate any more; the kids look miserable on the ice. 

When our kids were younger, some skating families got together regularly.  We went to see Stars on Ice as a group, had a potluck or went out for breakfast every other month, and volunteered at competitions together.  Our club doesn't really do anything like that, so we made our own social group.  Try setting up meetups with other skaters, so that the kids can socialize off the ice.  That makes the on-ice atmosphere more fun.

My guess is that Preliminary Moves are a real downer for her - most pre-teens and teens dislike the spirals and circle eights.  It's a very difficult test with a lot of picayune corrections on posture, edging and pattern.  To them, it's more difficult than the Pre-Juv Moves.  However, it does make them better skaters, but they can't see past the "hate doing these" to notice their improvements.

As for other activities, let her try whatever she wants to try while she's young and has that natural ability.  She'll probably be good at lots of sports.  If she finds her passion elsewhere, let her switch.  That's how I went from being a competitive swimmer to a figure skater, lol.

DH and I (okay, mainly I) require our kids to do some physical activity, either sports or workouts, on a regular basis.  One of my girls just passed Pre-Juv Moves and asked to stop skating.  I gave her the fitness center workout schedule and told her to pick a class because she didn't have anything else in mind until the summer, when marching band starts again.

Have her finish whatever test she's working towards now before she stops skating.  That way, if/when she comes back, she won't have to keep working on the same test; she can regain her skills and work towards new goals. 

[Willowway]

I myself have given up on her becoming Great but I do want her to continue to get better.

I hope I don't sound harsh - having brought up two boys by myself I know how challenging kids going into adolescence can be and that you are trying to lead your DD to good places. But this isn't about what you want (or for my kids, what I wanted) - it's about what she wants.  12 year olds are just developing their more sophisticated sense of "me" and they are (rightly) trying things.

We all want to guide our children and give them the best advice and counsel we have - sometimes (and it's hard, I've been there many times) we just have to go with what they want. That really is our challenge as they grow up - for their first years they have counted on us for everything and we care for and protect them. Then one day they assert that they're not us, different than we are and it sounds so foreign and so hard to understand. That's our challenge as parents - to know when to let their budding selves into the decision-making more and more. She is learning how to make decisions for herself (and should be) but on training wheels for now because she has you to help and protect her.

If she were looking to sit on the couch and munch Fritos then I would be as concerned as you are but she wants to try another sport - that's healthy. It is perhaps the "team sports" part of her that wants to manifest itself - you will find as she goes through adolescence (and young adulthood) that you say from time to time "who is this person? not the child I know" and that can be a very good thing.

Let her try what she needs to try. It may work out, it may not. With your help she'll find her way, but it will be her way.

[jenniturtle]

UPDATE!!
She had a one on one meeting with her primary coach away from the rink. She is going to continue to skate, just not compete. She wants to learn new skills and work on getting her axel consistant. She is not going to work on a program right now, maybe later. I am just happy that she is sticking with it. I am going to let her try volleyball in the fall and see what she thinks. I believe she can do both and be happy!

[hopskipjump]

Good for her!  Maybe her coach can give her a nice office program for axel so she can practice it more than once a week.  Off ice jump does help my kid with her jumps as well as higher jumps onto stationary objects.

[threenorns]

i went through exactly - EXACTLY - that same thing with my two older daughters, so i can give you some advice from the other end of the spectrum:

my two oldest, nikkita and caitlin, were in ballet.  their teacher *loved* them but was in despair bec reed-thin nikkita was as flexible as a wet noodle and had about that much power while stocky caiti had enough power to lift nureyev into orbit but wasn't very flexible.  the teacher used to groan "if only i could roll them together, they would make the perfect ballerina!"

so anyway, eventually they started moaning and griping about having to practice and then moaning and griping about the 1hr bus ride downtown and then moaning and griping about how they missed some whatever-whatever with friends.  after two years of ballet, i put my foot down and said if i have to keep listening to these complaints, i'm not putting myself through all this hassle (bec ballet is *expensive* when you have two growing girls - the slippers alone were $20 a pair for the softies and they are not at all durable).  so they quit.

today, nikkita is 27 and caiti is 24 and do you know, to this day, i get told how i shouldn't have "let" them quit?

the funny thing is, i was in piano when i was a child and it was the same story - and to this day, i think about "what could've been" if my mother hadn't "let" me quit.

so now, with saari, i don't care if she up and decides one day she wants to quit:  i know she enjoys it, i know she has the talent, so she will continue to skate for as long as i have any control over it even if she's griping and complaining. 

really, i think a large part of that comes from the need to conform - kids who are exceptional in any way tend to not want to be.  they need to learn that being exceptional is a GOOD thing, not something to be ashamed or feel awkward about.  also, part of parenting is knowing your child - if you know your child is talented and normally enjoys the activity, then don't let them quit.  there's no reason she can't do ice skating AND volleyball or, for that matter, ice skating AND volleyball AND ballet AND competitive sushi cooking if she's willing to put the energy into it.

[jenniturtle]

Thanks threenorns for "getting it". It is extremely frustrating to know your child has talent and it is just going to waste. She was the favorite of her two coaches and I know they are just as frustrated as I am. I take her to the rink and have to pry her away from her cell phone and Ipad because her friends are the most important thing to her. If she would devote her time to skating that she devotes to taking pictures of herself for instagram!! 

[threenorns]

*rolling eyes*  oy, vey - i hear that!  my bff just bought her 9yr old a tablet and alas, the child has discovered the joy of skype so now she's ringing my computer every 17 seconds - "so.... whatcha doing?  i'm bored..."  i finally said "you have the entire internet, netflix, youtube, nickjr, and pbs kids sites at your fingertips and you're *bored*!?  how can i do anything about it?".  grrr.  i'm afraid i'll have to rat her out, too:  she's allowed (even encouraged) to bring her tablet to school (so she can link in to the smartboard, for example) but i somehow doubt facebooking all day long is part of the curriculum.

some things i found that helped on a similarly related matter (when nik wanted to quit cadets even though they had her earmarked for officer training in the regular forces): 

- re the electronics.  if you're paying the bill, they're yours.  with nikkita, she was not allowed on the computer until 430pm mon-fri, and it locked her out promptly at 8pm on schoolnights, 10pm on wkends.  it locked her out every 2hrs with a popup saying "go to the bathroom and go get something to eat!"  during the week, the popup on login would say "have you finished all your homework?" - she needed my authorization to bypass and i NEVER ONCE gave her the password.  oh yes - drama llama bigtime - but she settled into it and even seemed to appreciate it once she was able to get some food and sleep into her (she would - not exaggerating - go DAYS without eating and more than once she peed her pants because she wouldn't get up to go to the bathroom.  understandable in a 3yr old - not so much in a 13yr old).  this is important not just for the skating but for a healthy balance in her life bec (trust me, first hand experience here) they WILL take over everything.  even now, i'm supposed to leave to go get my daughter in 4 minutes and i don't even have my boots on (but i always make it in time).

- invite her friends to come to a session and take everybody out for pizza after - once they see what's at stake, some of them might even become supportive.  nik's two bffs came to watch her during a cadet show and they were *impressed*.  they kept gushing about how awesome she looked in the uniform, how stylish, how amazing it was watching them do drills, and they were super impressed when she showed them her target with 3 hits (BBs, i think they were) inside the target area (a bullseye on a sheet of paper - she hated it bec she missed the target area twice and 3 more times missed the paper completely, but her friends pointed out they were too scared to even touch the gun, let alone pick it up and fire). after that, it was way easier to get nik ready for cadets bec her friends would say "omg, i'm sorry - you have to get ready for cadets - call me after!"

[hopskipjump]

That's an easy problem to solve - leave the phone and ipad in the trunk - or at home!   

[nicklaszlo]

if you know your child is talented and normally enjoys the activity, then don't let them quit.

On the other hand, don't be like certain parents and demand your child continue when they're getting constant injuries.  Your child might not be making it up when they say it hurts!

[threenorns]

On the other hand, don't be like certain parents and demand your child continue when they're getting constant injuries.  Your child might not be making it up when they say it hurts!

but that comes under knowing your child - they should never do stuff like skating or ballet if they're injured (in spite of all the sites i see explaining how to do just that!).  so many athletes suffer permanent damage bec they forced themselves on when they should've taken the time needed for proper and full recuperation.  you even see that every year in "so you think you can dance"!  it might make for great publicity in the "she's got heart" column but that doesn't offset the "she's so screwed" column if she's popped off her growth cap.

[threenorns]

i found this and thought it might be very useful.  it's hockey, not figure skating, but i think the principal applies:

Myth #6 "My kid is already in 1 sport and needs to specialize."

Crock of Beans!

I have heard (and unfortunately seen) this, and just can't believe that otherwise
sane people believe this.  Specialization at a young age can cause overuse injuries, unachieved potential, burnout and in the worst cases, broken hearts.

The issue of overuse injuries is pretty straight forward, and can be researched
with ease so I will not elaborate on it. The last three though are worth
exploring a little more closely.

Kids develop skills in one activity that can translate over to other activities. My
boys ran track this spring and will take several things they learned to the
hockey rink. Breathing techniques, training regimen, developing explosiveness
are among the many tools they added to the toolbox.  I have no doubt those skills will transfer to the rink. And even if they did not, they learned new skills and made new friends in the process. I can't think of a better outcome.

The issue of burnout and broken hearts is real.  I have seen it in kids that only have one activity that they are involved in.  They go at it year round,
being sent to camps, specialized training etc. At some point, they it just does
not hold the joy that it once did.

Just like a food, if you only eat one thing,you are going to get tired of it sooner or later. Steak is great but chicken and pork is nice too. Heck, you can even mix in a salad too!

Broken hearts – If the only reason your child is playing youth hockey is to become a professional, well, get used to disappointment.

A couple of years ago, Minnesota Gophers head coach Don Lucia gave a speech and noted that at the time there were 35,324 boys playing youth hockey. There were 6200 boys playing HS hockey. 250 Minnesotans playing men's hockey at the D1 level, and 20 in the NHL.   If your whole reason for playing hockey is to go pro and nothing else is acceptable, your odds are 17,662 to 1. 

Youth athletics is a lot like a forest. It has a lot to offer everyone, don't miss
out by focusing on just a single tree.

http://roseville.patch.com/blog_posts/more-youth-hockey-myths-dispelled