How to cope with jealousy?

[ukmum]

Does anyone have any experience of jealousy at the rink?  My dd is having some issues with a parent and child who were previously friends but since my dd reached the same level as the other girl things have got really difficult.  Snide comments, that wasn't landed etc.  Now the parent is behaving the same sort of way with me, talking about me to others etc even though we used to be close friends.  It is making things miserable.

[isakswings]

Oh my! I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that. I do not have any advice. I'm just sorry you have been dealing with that. I bet that is a hard situation to be in. It is very immature of that mother and daughter to behave like that too. Everyone progresses at their own pace and they should be happy for your daughter, not jealous.

[hopskipjump]

Did you tell dd why it was happening?  Once I talked to dd about why the relationship was changing, she dealt with it much better.  it wasn't HER it was her friends response to moving from mentor to peer.

As for you, sit where you normally sit and bring a magazine or other tool to be engrossed in.  Eventually she won't have any new gossip.

Were you friends outside of skating?  If so, I would confront her nicely.  "It hurt my feelings when you said x to Jane."  If you were just skate friends I would be nice but not chatty again.

[Sk8tmum]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt ... this is very common.  It doesn't make it more pleasant, or less annoying. And it is not just endemic to skating:  my littlest is a very talented musician, and we've discovered that nastiness and resentment come into play at recitals too (fortunately, recitals are less often than daily skating sessions). Fortunately, she's deaf in one ear, so, she doesn't hear a lot of it ! 

Any time you have competitive parents you will have this type of behaviour; my son gets it on the baseball diamond, we got it when he was moved into an advanced academic program that their kids didn't get into ... etc etc etc.  That's when your kid learns a hard lesson:  that true friends will be happy for them, but, false friends won't be, and also that modesty and perspective are important character traits to demonstrate.

Now, we also reminded our kids of how upsetting this behaviour was when, in later years, other kids began to achieve things faster than they did, and told them that we expected them to demonstrate good sportsmanship and positive social behaviours. 

Take the high road, learn to smile mysteriously, wear an iPod (even it it's not turned on) - and always respond with as little gushing about your kid as possible: "Yes, thanks, things are going well right now." - is a good response - particularly followed up with "and your daughter's [insert something you can compliment here, whether it be expression, edges, turns, dances, choreography, ANYTHING] is looking great - glad to see it!" - and then leave it at that. 

And, don't get caught up in the "uber mom" group - where the parents of the kids who are doing really well all hang out together, sit in the "best seats" and criticize everyone else's kids and loudly praise each other's kids to draw attention to every accomplishment ...  sigh.

Beware of skating mom "friends" - step back and think, hmmm ... if I met this person somewhere else, and we weren't stuck together in an arena for hours, would we like each other? Is this a person I really am interested in?  If not, and it's just proximity and convenience ... then, well, maybe discretion is the better part of perhaps getting caught up with somebody who really isn't your cup of tea.

[Schmeck]

If she is talking to others about you, I think she needs confronting.  Would you be comfortable going up to her and asking why she is behaving in such a childish way?

About the comments to your daughter - if they are happening on the ice, have her talk to her coach about it.  Other skaters should not be butting in to your daughter's lesson or practice time.  If they have the same coach, it should be easy to fix.  If they have different coaches, hopefully the coach can speak to the other one about it.

This kind of attitude and behavior was never tolerated at any of the rinks my daughter skated at.  The coaches made sure it never was allowed to get out of hand, most times before the parents even knew about it.  I love the coaches at our rink!

[ukmum]

Thanks and it is good to see that I am not alone.  I spoke to my DD and it has had the odd affect that she is very motivated to work hard for herself, get moved to the higher group so that she will be the bottom of the group and work with some of the older kids who don't seem to get caught up in this sort of nonsense.  I had a long talk with the coach who commented that she had noticed the other girl and parent being a bit odd with me and my daughter.  She also commented that she thought part of the problem was that the other girl isn't landing her jumps etc so that may have added to the jealousy.  We agreed that I will do a gradual withdrawal from this group (so that I don't end up being the nasty person who dumped them etc)  that the coach will ask me to sit by the boards and video etc giving me an inital reason not to sit with them.  Hopefully thatand the summer break will ease some of the problems.  At least I hope so!

[falen]

honestly I find that this is nipped in the bud when the parent watches every minute of the session or lesson, as in eyes never looking away.  I have done it and some other parents too.  You can actually see the offenders look over to see if parent is looking and they are sufficiently detered.  I've noticed it also helps if the parent skates at the practice session, always hanging around and popping up unexpectedly.   There is a dad who is a cop that does this.  Anyone approaches his dd, he skates over and hovers like a body guard.