The Ice Ranch in Littleton, CO has a groupon deal today: $20 public skate for four or $30-$45 skating lessons.
http://www.groupon.com/deals/the-ice-ranch-denver-1The author should get a gold star for creative writing:
If woolly mammoths had mastered the triple Lutz, they would've made it out of the Ice Age and into the Bronze Age, if not the Silver or Gold Age. Ensure your long-term survival with today's Groupon to The Ice Ranch, located in Littleton.
<snip>
Ice slicers try out their frictionless feet during instructional courses and recreational skate sessions at The Ice Ranch’s new skating facility. Four friends or one giant tarantula can strap on the four pairs of bladed boots and glide across the ice for up to two hours at a time during the public skate sessions, which are scheduled at different times throughout the week. All ages can participate in the 30-minute Learn to Skate class, during which skaters can acquire the skills needed to maintain their balance while sashaying atop frozen ponds. During the one-hour Learn to Play Hockey class, instructors tutor prospective wings and enforcers of all ages in skating, puck control, passing, and shooting. Although skate rentals are included in enrollment, students are responsible for supplying their own hockey equipment and fans.
I always wanted to take a giant tarantula ice skating. I suspect the author is a hockey player/fan, lol.