skatingforums
On the Ice => Sitting on the Boards Rink Side => Topic started by: jlspink22 on October 26, 2014, 03:17:26 PM
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I live in an area where people tend on the side of having plenty of disposable income. My husband and I work long & hard to pay for our (only) child's skating/supplemental activities in both time and financial costs. Last two weeks I've noticed some of their little ones running around in new, $$$ too advanced skates, and my hubby's overheard them talking about DD (she's the only one that actually practices/skates during the 30 min warmup while the rest of them make snowballs). I wouldn't really care what they say but these are the same parents that complain over everything, yet are the last ones to show up and the first to leave after lessons. I'd love for my daughter to make new skating friends, but not sure I could deal with their parents. I wasn't sure if this belonged in rinks rants and raves, because it's not about the facility or sessions themselves. Ha.
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Hopefully they were saying nice things!
Lots of disposable income (or giving off the appearance of it) is par for the course in skating. You're doing the right thing by keeping your feet on the ground.
You might appreciate this story- one family I used to skate with had 3 girls, only one of whom had any shot of making a decent showing at sectionals (note- NOT placing). All three of these kids always had the latest and greatest equipment, newest scribes, the "IT" skate bag of the season..... and by the time I quit, they actually each had three- yes three- pairs of Harlicks. This was before Harlick had stock boots, so these were customs. Three pairs, one old broken in one for patch, solid ones for free and for Dance. Two sets of skates were the norm in my rink (patch and free/dance). There was only one dance session a week....maybe two, but none of us was partnered or anything, and none of them were at a level where dance blades would have made a difference.... My mom and I just laughed and shook our heads....outside of the rink of course.
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I see a lot of kids in expensive skates and skating wear. It's par for the course where I am and if you have the money and aren't mocking those who don't, I really could care less. Heck, I spend a fair bit myself, but I also skate a lot and don't want to look like a complete slob. What gets me though, is little Mary stepping on the ice with brand new skates that are way too stiff for her, and all the newest chloe/iviva/triple flip stuff when the kid can't even do a three turn. I get wanting your kid to have fun, wear cute clothes, etc (seriously, the shallow side of my brain totally gets wanting to put your kid in cute clothes that you and she enjoy). But at least wait to see if she takes to the sport before you start spending so much $$. Or maybe spend a bit of that money on lessons or ice time.
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Ooh I love cute frilly clothes, lol. I've actually have traded spending money on clothes for more ice time. Right now, decent skates plus lots of ice time has been paying off more. DD knows she has to earn the fancy (ie custom) skates. Some of the parents at our clubs home rink are more grounded thankfully.
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Hang in there!
There are people from all over the economic spectrum in skating - and you never know who is really going to go "all the way" - and even along the way there will be bumps - so yes, of course I have seen this - even when I was a kid skating - my parents were okay financially but we didn't live in a big house in a fancy neighborhood. I remember when my skating friends would come for an overnight they would often remark what I small house we lived in... it was fine for us!
The worst I ever saw was a little 5 year-old taking pre-pre Moves in Gold Seal blades (they also had the gold finish) - the couldn't skate backwards - and honestly could hardly skate at all! The judge that I was working with (a National judge actually) asked me why I thought she had so much trouble skating - I told her I thought it was the blades.
We felt bad not passing the test but the coach actually thanked us afterwards because of course they were "those" types of parents... I don't think I ever saw that girl again...
It's too bad because if she had had more reasonable equipment and they had had more reasonable expectations, maybe she would have gone "all the way" - who knows?
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It is not just skating parents who overindulge their kids with expensive gear. I see it on ski slopes with adults, too- the latest and greatest equipment, very expensive clothes, etc. Then they get off the lift and have no technique to show for it.
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I have this horrible fear that when I have children, and if they end up skating, that I will end up as one of those parents. Well, if I have any money that is. I have a horrible shopping habit and love to buy clothes... This year I've gotten far too much workout gear (Nike/under armour/Zella/lulu) for a person that doesn't work out lmao. Maybe one day I'll get over it
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If your husband heard people talking about your daughter, what did he hear? There's a big difference between "Wow, look at how she's coming along" and "Ugh, why is that little kid advancing faster than my kid, it's not fair!" The latter would definitely have me avoiding those people!
At my rink, most of the girls who are "into" it wear chloe noel or iviva and have a zuca. A few don't and I can honestly say no one gives a hoot, or if they do they're judging silently. My girls happen to have a grandma who loves to spoil them, so I've channeled her energy into skatewear and accessories. We pay for ice time and skates. If the latter were up to grandma I'm sure I would have 8-year-olds in ice flies because "look how they have pretty sparkles!" :)
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Lol, I think that is perfectly acceptable for grandmas to do!
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Here's the thing. We don't have a bunch of extra money but I've learned to be really resourceful out of necessity. Somebody looking from the outside might judge us as spending money in the wrong spot if they saw me pull up in my dented, beater minivan with my kid pulling along her zuca while decked out head to toe in Chloe Noel and then watched her pull on custom Harlicks when she's only in freestyle 1.
What they wouldn't know is that my kid saw other kids pulling along light-up wheeled, sparkly bags designed for skating that you can sit on - what girl wouldn't want one. I scoured craigslist until I found one for $50 - I did have to tediously clip the embroidered monogramming off of the previous kid's name and there were a few stains, but she was happy as could be. Later in the year she used a gift card and months of chore money to buy her own insert bag in a design she really liked. The skating clothes came from a used skatewear sale and a gift from an Uncle, I couldn't justify buying new with our current budget. I am fortunate enough to be able to sew her competition dresses for a fraction of the cost. The skates have to be custom because nothing else will fit her feet and the choice is either lay down the money for customs or make her quit. I would love to be able to put her in $200 skates because it would leave so much more money for lessons but it just isn't an option.
I'm giving this perspective because I think its important to know that not all of us parents with Harlick wearing girls are crazy. ;)
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I'm giving this perspective because I think its important to know that not all of us parents with Harlick wearing girls are crazy. ;)
Absolutely!!! And I'm sorry if I was interpreted as saying otherwise. There are plenty of skaters out there at all levels who need customs! There is much more back story to what I posted above than I want to get into here. The girls I mentioned did not need customs. In their case, and more to the point I was attempting to make, it was way over the top- I don't think anyone NEEDS three pairs of skates, and it's a certain type of parent that seeks to buy 6 pairs of customs every year. This was a status/snobbery thing, not indulgent and good-hearted parents/family members.
Personally, I think one should be appropriately equipped for skating- including appropriate attire. If you skate a lot, then you need a stock of clothes (or lots of time to do laundry!), and, if you can't sew or don't have that kind of time, in my experience the purpose-made brands actually do work/feel/hold up better. Then you gotta schlepp it all in something! And we should have fun with it, otherwise what's the point?
If people can afford to drop bank on themselves and their kids, and choose to do it, great- more power to them and thanks for supporting the economy! Everyone has their own perception of their needs, and does what they need to do to meet them. But when it becomes snobbery and "I'm better than you- can you see?" that's when I have a problem. And going back to the original post, the mother of these three girls would NEVER have said anything nice about another skater in the club, regardless of their level/progression/dedication. Hopefully the parents she was talking about were nice and supportive, rather than snobby and nasty.
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What they wouldn't know is that my kid saw other kids pulling along light-up wheeled, sparkly bags designed for skating that you can sit on - what girl wouldn't want one. I scoured craigslist until I found one for $50 - I did have to tediously clip the embroidered monogramming off of the previous kid's name and there were a few stains, but she was happy as could be. Later in the year she used a gift card and months of chore money to buy her own insert bag in a design she really liked. The skating clothes came from a used skatewear sale and a gift from an Uncle, I couldn't justify buying new with our current budget. I am fortunate enough to be able to sew her competition dresses for a fraction of the cost. The skates have to be custom because nothing else will fit her feet and the choice is either lay down the money for customs or make her quit. I would love to be able to put her in $200 skates because it would leave so much more money for lessons but it just isn't an option.
I also wanted to add that I believe you are doing a great job giving what I feel is a great life perspective to your daughter. She's one lucky girl.
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Oh my daughter will need split width skates at least but for not being at freestyle yet, we can survive with stretched out/punched out skates. I haven't bought an off the rack brand new pair yet (been buying off ebay from the parents who buy skates and their kids quit or outgrow them in a month). She wants a zuca bag too but that's a pass all basic levels, birthday style gift. That's what I meant by earning fancy skates... Hard work and dedication earns the good stuff.
My husband said they were pointing and saying "she's good, well she must be 7-8, she must have been taking lessons for a long time." (Add the huffy competitive tone). I get asked a lot how old she is because her small statute and age are a novelty I guess.
PS I know the kids just got new skates because they aren't even broken in, and one came up to show them off to DD.
Hubby grew up with money in a big fancy house but thankfully was not a spoiled brat. He thinks these people are funny.
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And don't get me wrong I'm a competitive type A person too, but besides here and hubby I keep my mouth shut while giving DD lots of high fives and you go girl praises.
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Here's the thing. We don't have a bunch of extra money but I've learned to be really resourceful out of necessity. Somebody looking from the outside might judge us as spending money in the wrong spot if they saw me pull up in my dented, beater minivan with my kid pulling along her zuca while decked out head to toe in Chloe Noel and then watched her pull on custom Harlicks when she's only in freestyle 1.
What they wouldn't know is that my kid saw other kids pulling along light-up wheeled, sparkly bags designed for skating that you can sit on - what girl wouldn't want one. I scoured craigslist until I found one for $50 - I did have to tediously clip the embroidered monogramming off of the previous kid's name and there were a few stains, but she was happy as could be. Later in the year she used a gift card and months of chore money to buy her own insert bag in a design she really liked. The skating clothes came from a used skatewear sale and a gift from an Uncle, I couldn't justify buying new with our current budget. I am fortunate enough to be able to sew her competition dresses for a fraction of the cost. The skates have to be custom because nothing else will fit her feet and the choice is either lay down the money for customs or make her quit. I would love to be able to put her in $200 skates because it would leave so much more money for lessons but it just isn't an option.
I'm giving this perspective because I think its important to know that not all of us parents with Harlick wearing girls are crazy. ;)
Oh my daughter will need split width skates at least but for not being at freestyle yet, we can survive with stretched out/punched out skates. I haven't bought an off the rack brand new pair yet (been buying off ebay from the parents who buy skates and their kids quit or outgrow them in a month). She wants a zuca bag too but that's a pass all basic levels, birthday style gift. That's what I meant by earning fancy skates... Hard work and dedication earns the good stuff.
My husband said they were pointing and saying "she's good, well she must be 7-8, she must have been taking lessons for a long time." (Add the huffy competitive tone). I get asked a lot how old she is because her small statute and age are a novelty I guess.
PS I know the kids just got new skates because they aren't even broken in, and one came up to show them off to DD.
Hubby grew up with money in a big fancy house but thankfully was not a spoiled brat. He thinks these people are funny.
Can I just say, you both sound like an amazing moms!!! I think your setting up your daughters to be a responsible adult and giving her a great example of living within your means.
In my family, skating as also " if you want the special stuff... you have to earn it via hard work and good grades" , but my mom always did find away of making/buying me the things I needed, ie good level appropriate skates/blades, ice time and coaching. Zuca's did not exist yet. I still keep this mentality as an adult as well my current mentality is " if you want sparkles on your dress, you have to skate a clean competition program.. so no sparkles until that 2sal is landed".
Pink22: Personally I would take the comments as the other parents realizing she is good, but being a bit jealous. That's often the tone skating parents tend to have, don't be surprise if they start to be more negative as your daughter grows and improves in skating but don't let that discourage your little girl. Take it a compliment and be humble about it, sometimes that's the best thing to do.
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That was my mom with skating, too. :) And I still thank her to this day for it, because I see tots and kids in basic one buying Chloe from the pro shop and wearing it their first day on the ice. When I started, I had to earn my new skates, I skated in a used pair for two years before my coach finally said it was time to upgrade. I wasn't allowed to get a skirt or dress until I was in Freestyle 1 (that was the Chloe when I started skating, if you wore a dress or skirt to practice, they knew you were serious).
Now I am a grown adult and have no problem treating myself to a nice pair of skate pants, but that's also because I work hard to earn my money and enjoy treating myself to something fun every now and again. But the skate pants I recently purchased, I bought on sale (still living within my means).
I think working hard to earn something is the best way to raise a child, and though I have no kids of my own, from personal experience it makes one work harder and really push to get to that goal. :)
You both sound like amazing moms!
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Oh good grades are expected here too!
One time I got smart with my mom and an attitude over being nice to some boy I thought was weird and she slapped me and was like I taught you better. I'll never forget that.
I should know better that some people never grow up but it amazes me still to this day how petty people can be.
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Here's the thing. We don't have a bunch of extra money but I've learned to be really resourceful out of necessity. Somebody looking from the outside might judge us as spending money in the wrong spot if they saw me pull up in my dented, beater minivan with my kid pulling along her zuca while decked out head to toe in Chloe Noel and then watched her pull on custom Harlicks when she's only in freestyle 1.
What they wouldn't know is that my kid saw other kids pulling along light-up wheeled, sparkly bags designed for skating that you can sit on - what girl wouldn't want one. I scoured craigslist until I found one for $50 - I did have to tediously clip the embroidered monogramming off of the previous kid's name and there were a few stains, but she was happy as could be. Later in the year she used a gift card and months of chore money to buy her own insert bag in a design she really liked. The skating clothes came from a used skatewear sale and a gift from an Uncle, I couldn't justify buying new with our current budget. I am fortunate enough to be able to sew her competition dresses for a fraction of the cost. The skates have to be custom because nothing else will fit her feet and the choice is either lay down the money for customs or make her quit. I would love to be able to put her in $200 skates because it would leave so much more money for lessons but it just isn't an option.
I'm giving this perspective because I think its important to know that not all of us parents with Harlick wearing girls are crazy. ;)
I suppose you are encouraging all the wealthier parents to over indulge their little girls, more good stuff yo get on the second hand market. ;)
I just expect that to be part of the culture of modern parenting: There are certain things to be checked off the list before the kid graduates: Soccer, softball, 'karate', riding lessons, skating...if you can you spoil the kid, riding and skating seem to be the top offenders here, the sky is the limit as it seems.
I hope the parents are not shallow and mean - heaven help, those are too common. Maybe their girls aren't all that into skating, but the parents take them anyhow, hoping they make friends, do something, and hopefully discover they like doing it once they get better.
But one should get the best equipment one can afford - which does not mean the most expensive in any situation. Crappy gear spoils the fun.
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I suppose you are encouraging all the wealthier parents to over indulge their little girls, more good stuff yo get on the second hand market. ;)
AMEN! Lets see how many of them show up after a couple sessions....through the winter.
J
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Geeze people, what other people spend their money on and what their kids skate in is none of your business. If a rich person looks down on you because your kid isn't wearing the latest fad, turning it around with reverse snobbery about how you save money etc is just as bad. You're being just as judgemental as the people you think are judging you.
Believe me, kids and other adults pick up on this when you're at the rink. Give it a rest. Do you think the coaches care what your kid's wearing? They do not. They don't care what the rich kid wear's either. And if the rich parent doesn't bring the kid to practice sessions....none of your beeswax.
And I say this as one of those 'awful people' who wear full custom harlicks and I'm only at FS1. And one pair is in TAN! (OMG, I hear in the background, She's wearing TAN boots, only COACHES can wear tan, it's like a PSA RULE OR SOMETHING ISN'T IT!) 88)
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Geeze people, what other people spend their money on and what their kids skate in is none of your business. If a rich person looks down on you because your kid isn't wearing the latest fad, turning it around with reverse snobbery about how you save money etc is just as bad. You're being just as judgemental as the people you think are judging you.
Believe me, kids and other adults pick up on this when you're at the rink. Give it a rest. Do you think the coaches care what your kid's wearing? They do not. They don't care what the rich kid wear's either. And if the rich parent doesn't bring the kid to practice sessions....none of your beeswax.
And I say this as one of those 'awful people' who wear full custom harlicks and I'm only at FS1. And one pair is in TAN! (OMG, I hear in the background, She's wearing TAN boots, only COACHES can wear tan, it's like a PSA RULE OR SOMETHING ISN'T IT!) 88)
AMEN! I was about ready to type out a response just like this. It's not your business to know why so-and-so has fancy new skates or Chloe Noels. Maybe that kid did earn her skates. Maybe she got her Chloe Noel whatever as a birthday gift. Or maybe her parents did buy her the skates and Chloe Noels because she's a spoiled brat. So what? How does that affect you? It doesn't, because so-and-so's kid isn't your business. Your business is your kid. Period.
Thanks for the great post, AgnesNitt.
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Geeze people, what other people spend their money on and what their kids skate in is none of your business. If a rich person looks down on you because your kid isn't wearing the latest fad, turning it around with reverse snobbery about how you save money etc is just as bad. You're being just as judgemental as the people you think are judging you.
Believe me, kids and other adults pick up on this when you're at the rink. Give it a rest. Do you think the coaches care what your kid's wearing? They do not. They don't care what the rich kid wear's either. And if the rich parent doesn't bring the kid to practice sessions....none of your beeswax.
And I say this as one of those 'awful people' who wear full custom harlicks and I'm only at FS1. And one pair is in TAN! (OMG, I hear in the background, She's wearing TAN boots, only COACHES can wear tan, it's like a PSA RULE OR SOMETHING ISN'T IT!) 88)
LOL!
people will be people.
There will always be the ones who believe that the gear will buy success.
Some will be jealous that the fruit of their loins won't be as successful as the kid with the scrappy gear.
There will be those who are frugal, by choice or necessity. Some will happily be so, many will look at the more spend happy people and wonder why (or how*).
In the end, it's live and let live. Hopefully the more ambitious parents won't take out a hit one the more successful kid and her parents...
* back in the day my cousin was competing with our old mares, that had done their time on the track. She got beaten by a girl with a fancier horse and complained to her dad about that.
He asks her "what is it you rather want: a not so fancy horse and a dad who pays his bills, or a fancy horse like that and a dead beat for a dad?"
I think the tone of the 'rail birds' (Is board birds a term?) when they observe the OP's child relevant, if they are kind or ride in on a broom.
In any case, kindness is the best way to approach them. It's a judged sport after all! ;)
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Just trying to give another perspective for kids who appear to be frivolously spoiled but may not be. What you see isn't always what you get.
Does it really matter - I think so. It affects my kid when their kids hear their parents talking smack about my family and then she has to hear it on the ice. That is the thing about these kinds of forums, you get to speak out your mind with a sharing of perspectives and ideas in a way that often doesn't take place out in the real world. It gives us an opportunity to to see something in a new light and maybe change the way we behave. And that can only be a good thing. :)
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People can do whatever they want with their money, however it is funny that the same mother who just B*&%ched out the coach two weeks ago dropped her kid off late with brand new (over-booted) skates this past week.
Anyways, yes when you have children and other people start talking about them loud enough to hear, it sort of does become your business whether you act on it or not (which is why I posted here and walked out saying nothing). Has it come to gear chat, no - but I was going to offer (Free) the one mom DD's outgrown skates (kid was smaller than DD) if she wanted to save some cash but have better ones than rentals but now I know I'll just keep my mouth shut.
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I also wanted to add that a friend (not here on Facebook) told me that - when she was young - the other wealthier parents would charter private planes for her synchro teams competitions and she wouldn't always be able to go because her parent's couldn't pay their fair share. I hope I don't run into that but I would hope I could lament over it, should it ever happen.
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talking about them loud enough to hear, it sort of does become your business
Yep, two weeks ago dd had another girl tell her that she wasn't good enough for her skates. Was it a teachable moment about kindness? Sure was, but it also hurt dd's feelings and brought about some self doubt we're now having to spend some time working through.
I can brush it off, I'm a grown up. Don't talk about my kid - then you rouse the mamma bear in me.
It's unfortunate we can't just be more supportive of one another, kids and adults alike, for just even trying a sport that is TOUGH. I know I"m too wimpy to get out there for fear of falling and anybody who gets on the ice has my respect.
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We can't change anyone else's behavior. But, your child is watching yours and your reaction to these richer parents. So, take the high road when dealing with other parents and other skaters. You're in a great position to teach your children about human interaction. Because, money doesn't buy class. And, the best figure skating boots & blades are not going to make one a perfect skater. Dedication and love of the sport will.
I worry that this sport is very hard on parents, especially those that stay in the rink too much and don't bring something to do. I say this now that i have a daughter that skates and a son that's getting really into hockey. I sit around, watching him play hockey. I want to tell him what to do & how to do it, though I know nothing about being a hockey player. Then, I'm watching the other kids. I can't help but compare my kid to those kids, which one is he better and which one is he weaker? It's just natural to want your kid to be the best. But, that's not always going to be. There are other kids that are better skaters, better puck handlers, been skating more years, bigger, etc. I remind myself that he's learning to skate, having fun, being a kid, learning healthy habits. And, those other kids are too. He's not there to be an extension of my ego or to prove my parenting skills. It's his turn to shine as best he can, and not as best as I push him. If I couldn't realize the bigger picture, I'd leave the rink and go workout at a nearby gym, take a walk around the rink, or just sit outside and read a book. If you find yourself being judgmental, it's time to take a break.
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We have a nearby gym and trust me I'll be taking my time once she's old enough to drop off.... (I get almost zero time alone between work and hubby and girl child).
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Take your cell phone, tell the coach(es), and go outside for a half hour walk circling the building, return enough to watch her the last 10 minutes, clap, and tell her she's doing great. You'll feel better.
I did that for years when my daughter was in dance class. After the 4 year old class, we couldn't watch them anymore. The dance school moved the older kids to back rooms, and the lobby was tiny. But, I just couldn't sit around and listen to the other moms. I was a working mom, and had little in common with them. I am plain, and they were not plain in any way, shape or form. We were on the competition dance team, and these other moms were very into themselves and primping up their child. The dance teachers were more into pure dance, and not like these "Beverly Hills Housewife" moms with implants and botox. (So, I quickly connected more with the dance instructors.) They reminded me of dedicated figure skater. So, I dropped her off, went to a gym or local park, and returned when class was out. The dance school had my cell number. Dance moms are much worse than figure skating moms . . . . . .
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You don't have to tell me that. My husband drops her off at dance and goes to the gym next door. I could have written exactly what you did above if this was a dance board.
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Skating is a bit trickier though because she can see if I'm there or not in the viewing area. Dance is closed doors.
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All dance schools are about the same. You're on your way to figuring out this too.
When I was in the 4th - 6th grade, about 3 or 4 afternoons a week, I'd take the public school bus to the skating rink and my dad picked me up after his work. My mom was in nursing school. This was in 1978 to 1980, and my rink was near a very bad part of Miami. It was near where my dad worked. The coaches and rink manager "kind of" looked after me, but I pretty much just put on my skates and skated. They knew my dad's number, but we never had to call him. Usually, I was just by myself but about once a week I had an hour lesson. On Saturdays, my dad would drop me off in the morning for club ice and come back at 2:00, when the public was over. He'd watch, occasionally. Not every kid could do this. My son could do it at 6 years old, but my daughter not until the 6th grade.
It served me well. Now, I am fiercely independent and don't like to rely on anyone else. I've had a pretty good professional career and battled illness and won.
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My parents also started dropping me off at the rink (a private club in a very bad area) when I was about 8 or 9- stayed all day and they would pick me up in the afternoon - on a Saturday - also during the week would get a ride to the rink from another skater or their parents, my parents would pick me up in the evening - this was in the 60s.
Not sure I would do this with a 5-year-old.
Also pretty independent now and really almost fearless when it comes to being by myself in strange cities, etc. - may have started with that time - who knows?
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Yep, two weeks ago dd had another girl tell her that she wasn't good enough for her skates.
This is just silly, honestly. Your daughter wears custom boots because of fit issues, right? IMO there is nothing wrong with that since they were built to match both her feet and her skating ability. Kids can be so cruel.
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Yep, two weeks ago dd had another girl tell her that she wasn't good enough for her skates.
Wait a minute. Let me get my big girl boots on.
I don't know why parents don't train their kids to deal with bullying. It's not hard. It will take 15 minutes now. If you wait and the bullying gets to the point where she's sobbing and doesn't want to skate, there's pretty much nothing you can do.
Step 1: Teach your daughter the following phrase to say when a KID makes a nasty comment. She is to NEVER say it to an adult.
"I don't care what you think." Then she is to skate away a few feet.
Bully: Your boots are too good for you.
Kid" I don't Care What you Think.
Bully: Your costume is ugly.
Kid: I don't care what you think
BullY: I heard Coach wonderful say you were the worst skater ever.
Kid: I don't care what she thinks,
Then spend 15 minutes having her think of the awful things kids might say and TRAIN her to reflexively say that comment or variations back.
It's important for her to come up with suggestions of what mean girls say. That's part of the exercise. Getting her to PHYSICALLY repeat the 'don't care' comment back to when you make the snarky comments is important.
Stage 2: She wants to be in the big girl/talented skater group.
Who doesn't?
You have to tell her that some people are just mean. There's nothing you or she can do to fix them. But craft the lesson so she realizes that the mean girls aren't a group she wants to join.
Then teach her how to do an eyeroll when the mean girls cut her off, or are rude, Man, I love eyerolls.
This is the advice of a woman who was bullied from age 7 through about 25. Rather, let's say, people attempted to bully me. But nobody ever did it twice. Now all I have is memories of cutting bullies off at the knees. Good times, good times.
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I don't want the thread to turn into non skating but I was also bullied and the things kids do TODAY go beyond words and what I experienced as a child. Technology and social media are terrible agitators. Just because you tell the bully I don't care doesn't make them stop nor does it sting any less when those kids are relentless. I don't know if you have children but it's a natural instinct to want to do everything to protect them from a cruel world. We shouldn't have to train kids to deal with bullies, we should be striving not to raise bullies in the first place.
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I don't want the thread to turn into non skating but I was also bullied and the things kids do TODAY go beyond words and what I experienced as a child. Technology and social media are terrible agitators. Just because you tell the bully I don't care doesn't make them stop nor does it sting any less when those kids are relentless. I don't know if you have children but it's a natural instinct to want to do everything to protect them from a cruel world. We shouldn't have to train kids to deal with bullies, we should be striving not to raise bullies in the first place.
Well, yes and no. I was a teacher for several years and YES, there was some terrible bullying that went on over social media. But, (and here's the NO part) the kids that had the most trouble with it were kids who (1) didn't have great home lives and thus put way too much emphasis on what their peers thought OR (2) had parents that played into the bullying thing ("everyone picks on my kid"). Also - side note - if you don't want your kid to get bullied on social media, don't let your fifth grader have a Facebook and play with it unsupervised. That's just common sense.
Now, I don't want to overgeneralize or downplay truly serious bullying situations, but I will say that I feel like (9.9 times out of 10) bullying can be solved by teaching a child to not play into the bully. Reminding kids to ignore the bully and find a different group of friends to play with goes a long way. Will your kid get their feelings hurt sometimes? Yes. But you know what? I'm an adult and my feelings still get hurt from time to time because of adult bullies. That's just the way the world works. I'm grateful to my mom because she taught me to move on with my life and ignore those negative people.
Sorry to (again) drag this thread further from the skating discussion, but I did want to bring in my viewpoint as a former teacher. :)
Also, thanks to all the caring mommas out there who are trying to raise the great kiddos who don't bully.
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I get what you are saying saje but you know - there's not always a different group of friends to turn to. "Bullying" runs from general "jerk" behavior on occasion to relentless. Hard to ignore the kids who are relentless (I had to change schools in 5th grade because I was at private school in a class of 20 and had no one else to even turn too). It's just not always as easy as rolling your eyes....I have a big mouth now, and no problem calling out when someone is being rude to me. It sadly took me many years to get to that point.
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Reading all this, I'm starting to wonder if our rink is actually free of psycho skating parents or if I just manage to steer clear and not give a )&@?! what anyone thinks of my kids skates, gear, skills, or general level of awesomeness (extremely high!!). Actually, my coach showed me some texts today that make it clear those people are out there. So I think it's all in not taking it much to heart. I'm not so much talking about kid-bullying (hasn't happened yet) but going back to the OP and the stupid parent head game attempts.
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It strikes me that you have all kinds at the rink - rich and poor, bullies and nice people. And that the same scenarios probably play out in nearly all of the rinks everywhere in the country and perhaps the world!
I also think that sometimes the skating directors, coaches and other powers-that-be can set the tone for how others in their vicinity behave - we definitely have that in our area where one person's not-so-nice actions seem to get played out over and over again within that particular sphere -
I am probably getting too esoteric for this discussion but in the end what I see is mainly people who make lifelong friends in skating - the skating parents become good friends with each other and in the end they are rooting for all of the kids to do well and have fun - to the best of his or her ability - I have seen this over and over through my years in skating -
And this extends to the adult skating world as well - I can say without a doubt that my skating friends are really the best friends I have had - we see each other through just about everything - on and off of the ice!!
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Just a few thoughts regarding the above comments
- being able to say "I don't care" or being told by others to not care doesn't change the fact that the kid might still care! I think it is completely valid to need to work through those things, and you are a great mom for working on it with her.
- not every kid has the personality to be able to say those things to people. I for one didn't fully develop that until my early 20s
- there's always a desire to fit in/be liked. I very much wanted to fit in and have things other people had; my brother on the other hand really doesn't care about any of that but is still sometimes sensitive to other people's judgement. He's almost 18 and while he really doesn't care what others think, he is occasionally self conscious about it. It is just something that people have to work through!
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Thanks, littlerain - excellent points!
My oldest daughter doesn't concern herself with what somebody says and embraces her unique, quirky personality. My youngest experienced bullying at school that wasn't handled (severe enough to begin homeschooling). All worked out in the best possible way since we now have flexibility for lots of skating! I don't believe many young children have the maturity to protect themselves from being excluded, physically intimidated, and harassed. This has set her up to be more easily affected by how others treat her.
The point I was trying to make but didn't do such a good job of (seems right in my head - comes out wrong on the keyboard :-[) and to relate back to the original poster's comment, it would be lovely to have a rink culture that encourages acceptance and refrain of judgement. As adults, we are the starting point for that culture as we set the example in not judging but rather understanding and there is sometimes a backstory to surface things we may see.
Also, I would say 99% of the time, our current rink is a positive atmosphere that we are proud to be part of. We left the rink that didn't embrace kindness and support of one another's successes - best decision we could have made for our dd's skating.
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I'm not competitive but my mother was the type of person who thought that the only way to win was for everyone else to fail. Fortunately I've met a lot of people who celebrate everyone's success and now I try to do the same.
I worked in a team which was very negative then someone new joined and they were very positive about everyone. It took a while but in time everyone adopted a more positive attitude. That really changed my outlook.
Sorry for the waffle, but the way I see it if you want to change the environment you have to initiate the change. If you say positive things to people about their kids it makes it much harder for them to criticise yours, especially if you say it in front of others......
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I'm in Australia and skate clothing is very pricey. But there are limited options in non-skate gear as all the exercise clothing is too thin for skating. Happily I sew and can source the nice fabrics for skate gear. So my girls have warm skating pants - made by me.
I'd like to spend money on their boots and more skating time, but, until I get more work that is unlikely to happen. There is one coach who occasionally spruiks the need for 1:1 coaching as the only way to progress. He also won't let his skaters do synchro. I think he finally took the hint when I said that the younger needed the socialisation of group skating, didn't want to compete individually and skating was only ever going to be a recreational activity for her. The elder just wants to skate better, with no end goal. For both, we place far more emphasis on their formal school education and instrumental music before skating gets a look in.
Skating is just fun! So was swimming and along with learning to ride a bike, they are all lifelong physical activities.
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Forgot to add - my girls both have Zucas. The elder did one months of ironing (for a 5 person family with mostly natural fabrics) to earn a second hand one from Gumtree. The younger did the laundry folding and putting away for six months to earn hers. Hers was new and was partly a Xmas gift/part work.
The story has done the rounds at our rink with many parents copying the ironing concept. The other girls are not best pleased! ::>)
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Not to rehash an old thread but looks like those other moms are creating competition which does not exist. Saw the one throwing eye darts at my little one again. Good news is the club moms seem to be genuinely nice!
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I think you all just need to watch this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1D2YuNnpqk
(http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/Haters_Gonna_Hate.jpg)
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I think you all just need to watch this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1D2YuNnpqk
(http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/Haters_Gonna_Hate.jpg)
All while having fabulous hair! ;D
Great response.
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I'm such a sap. I've seen that before, knew it was a Pantene spot and still cried!
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LOL @AgnesNitt Amen! Probably my most used phrase of late is "mind your own business"!
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@jlspink22 you may be right but I'll tell you what - they most likely than not crave a reaction from you.
When I say "mind your own business" what I really mean is if you focus and being the best person you can be, the rest will take care of itself.